The Myth of the Soulmate

 

I used to believe in the concept of a "Soulmate", but not anymore. In fact, I have come to see that a belief in such a concept can be quite harmful (and perhaps even keep us from developing our very own soulmate-like relationship). I think buying into the concept of a perfect soulmate can be harmful in two ways:

 

1. It can keep people who are in relationships from investing in their current relationship and from committing to the other person (these are people with active commitment issues), and

 

2. (most commonly) It can encourage people who are looking for a relationship to look for excitement and passion ("chemistry") rather than what feels safe and secure (and thus maybe also "boring" to some), which almost guarantees that they will choose the wrong partner (e.g. someone who seems exciting, but is unwilling, unable or unavailable to make a commitment). Because in the end, what matters most is that we feel safe and at ease with somebody. Excitement will wear off quickly; usually within a few months. What comes after that (or remains after that) is the love connection we can build with the other person, if both individuals are willing and there are enough building blocks between them. But people with active issues who are looking for a soulmate might give up too soon on a relationship, even if it has real soulmate-quality-potential, because it may take some time and effort to develop. And soulmate seekers with passive issues might stay in unhealthy relationships for (far) too long, or start relationships they shouldn't start, because they keep hoping that their partner will change (usually either that the partner will want to commit or that they will transform into the soulmate they've been looking for).

 

I’ve been stuck at 2 most of my life (as a passive seeker), and always seemed to come across men who were either unwilling to make a commitment (sometimes despite a great and deep connection (this is the most painful)), or were a serious mismatch with me due to a major difference in values or lifestyle, which I always thought I could "fix". Coming to the realization that all my relationships were doomed from the start was both tragic and freeing, because now I can (and will) change it! Goodbye Illusions; welcome Reality...

 

Now, instead of dreaming about an elusive "perfect" Soulmate that I can either try to find or (more likely) try to create, I simply see myself as having things in common with other people; and I have more in common with some than with others. What matters most when we are looking for a partner, is that we have the right things in common with them; those things that matter most (mainly important values, age group and lifestyle choices). This will not only prevent conflict about major decisions (as much as possible), but will also make you both feel safe and secure in each other's presence. On top of that, I think a willingness to grow and learn (for both partners individually as well as a willingness to grow together in the relationship) is very important. And of course honesty and openness with a healthy, loving communication style (such as NVC).

 

By the way, after you give up the dream, the result is still more or less the same: You still meet the same people, but you might take a bit more time to assess whether you actually want to be in a relationship with them, also allowing the relationship more time to grow and mature at a more natural pace, without rushing toward relationship milestones. And the relationship you get into might still be (or become) the best you have ever had, and even better than you may have imagined it.... and it will be with a Real person (not with a fantasy or image of a person). So even if you don't feel magic instantly, it doesn't mean you can't create it or build it, together, in real life!

 

You, too, might be stuck in life due to the soulmate-myth, if:

 

- You tend to fall in love with a fantasy image rather than a real person that has strengths as well as flaws.

- You feel like your relationships are often one-sided, with you (or the other person) doing most of the work to keep the relationship going and keep it healthy.

- You see someone's "potential" to be a good partner rather than what they actually present to you right now in the moment... (Almost) everyone has potential, but not everyone is ready right now! Are you ready now? Then seek someone who is ready now, too.

- In the beginning of a relationship, you focus on what you want to hear and want to see, and filter out all the rest.

- You sabotage all (or some of) your relationships (especially when they are going well, or reach a more stable point).

- You engage in excessive fault-finding (about unimportant and sometimes unreasonable things).

- You break up with someone for a quality that was already present at the beginning and that may have even attracted you to them at first.

- Your relationships always seem to be lacking a feeling of "equality" in some important area.

- And you don't have to be single to have these issues either: some people stay in unhealthy relationships for a lifetime or hang on to unhealthy patterns within their relationships for too long.

 

If you recognize any of these points, I recommend that you read: He's Scared, She's Scared. This book is an absolute treasure, and I wish I had found (and read) it years ago. It's a valuable book for anyone to read, as commitment issues (whether passive - rushing into commitment without a reality check - or active - fear of commitment) is such a common thing these days, and seems to only become more and more common. It is also one of the most painful things anyone can experience in their lifetimes (if you're the passive partner), and to have to go through it over and over is absolute torture. So end your suffering and learn about this, question your thoughts and gain a renewed sense of peace in (your quest for) love.

 

 
A little side-note, and a comforting thought in case you have longed for a soulmate for a long time, and therefore are hesitant to give up the dream for that reason: There is indeed one Real Soulmate, already with you, since day one... 

 

I am sure you know who that is... 

 

It's you! You're the one. You've always been there with you. Can you be there for you as well, at all times? 

Love yourself first, don't abandon yourself, listen to yourself and stay with you at all times, and then you'll always choose right. It can sometimes become harder to listen to (= act on) our own inner voice when we're around someone we really like (especially in the infatuation stage), but as with anything: It will get easier with practice, and patience. So practice (with) patience!

Gratitude in Challenging Times: Everything Is A Gift

Many of us have had quite a turbulent year, and not just because of the pandemic. Of course it is easy to see the gifts in events and situations we evaluate as positive, but the biggest rewards come when we are able to see the gift in everything… EVERYTHING. This year has given most of us a particularly good opportunity to learn and practice this, and now we can reflect on this year and see if we can recognize the gift in all of it.

Challenges always have a gift
Being confronted with a challenging situation is always an opportunity. It offers you a choice in how you are going to deal with it or react to it, an opportunity to learn about yourself (to see who you are and how far you’ve come), and usually also an opportunity to give. And giving or responding with love is a gift to yourself as well.
Often we can see the gift of a tough situation in hindsight, but we can also train ourselves to see it in the moment. That was the focus of this year for me. Can I see the gifts life brings as it happens, as the events are unfolding? And it turns out, I can. Maybe not always instantly, but often not long after. And so can you.
If you are looking back on a grim year that had nothing to offer, think again. Make it a challenge to look back on the year and find the hidden gifts that were there all along. Look for the gift in each moment, especially the challenging moments. Stay present and in touch with your emotions – they can guide you like a compass. Look into the present. Really, look into it. Go deep. Fully open up to it. Where are you holding back? Where are you resisting? Where can you let go? If you fully surrender to the present moment, then you’re bound to find the gifts. You will find that life can never stop giving; it always gives to those who are open. Once you see it, it will be overwhelming. Can you handle it? Can you be open to it? Can you surrender to it? If you can and you do, then you will find only beauty, bliss and blessings.
This is the secret: you can only receive a gift in the moment if you are open to receiving all of them (in that same moment). So don’t close yourself off from the challenges life brings, because then you will also close yourself off from all the love and joy and fulfillment in those times you perceive as challenging. So if you are feeling depressed... what gifts are you missing?

Emotions each have their gift
We tend to see emotions as either negative or positive (and want only the positive), but they are neither. If we can get in touch with our emotional world, and stay connected with it without judging it or suppressing it, and without being overwhelmed by it nor dismissing it, we can always be peaceful, connected, balanced and even joyful. Emotions can be (and often should be) seen as separate from the triggers that seem to cause them; this is a way to observe them objectively and take in their message. Emotions keep you connected to your Self, and show you how to navigate through life, coming out stronger and more balanced. Emotions show us where personal growth, healing, or a shift in perspective are needed, or where we are resisting something or holding on too tightly. In combination with thought, they are a compass for finding our way. They always point us in the right direction, if we know how to listen.
Here are some emotions that some people would label as ‘negative’ and the gifts they bring:

• Anger: Anger is a sign that someone has crossed your boundaries, or (most likely) that you have crossed your own boundaries in some way (like not listening to the signals of other emotions, or doing things for others just because you feel like you have to in order to get accepted by them). It can also be an attempt to suppress a (seemingly) more painful emotion such as sadness, and an attempt to experience a (false) sense of control over it. Anger can help you set boundaries, be assertive, communicate your needs, or be a sign that you lost touch with some suffering underneath the surface. In that case, try to slow down and find the pain that is hidden underneath.
  

• Sadness and grief: Urge you to slow down and take notice of the pain, and to direct healing to where it is necessary. It urges us to look after ourselves and engage in self-care. Sadness is an exercise in healthy self-love. It also shows you that you care, and it can easily transform into gratitude if fully felt/experienced.

• Worry/Stress: This is a chance for you to do a reality check: are my worries realistic? What evidence is there that these thoughts are true? What evidence is there that they are not true? What would I tell someone I loved if they were in this situation and had these thoughts? In this situation, what is the worst that could happen? In this situation, what is the best thing that could happen? Are these thoughts hindering me in major ways in my life, preventing me to achieve or pursue things that are important to me and/or could bring me a (deeper) sense of fulfillment? Asking yourself these questions can help you determine whether it is best to avoid the situation, or develop a skill and/or courage to overcome your limiting beliefs. Usually, working to overcome your limiting beliefs is the best choice of action here, because you can always avoid the situation later if you still feel the same about it afterwards! But then at least you are not avoiding it out of fear or worry, and you can make a more balanced decision. Fear, worry and stress often cloud our judgment and when left unchecked might make us (not) do things that we'll regret later (sometimes many years later). Recurring worries might indicate that you need to let go of the need for a secure future. There is no such thing! Worry and stress can also be signs that you would benefit from some serious self-care strategies: get some rest, read a book, take a break. The world often looks much brighter after a good night's sleep!
  

• Guilt: Guilt is a sign that we have done something that is in conflict with our own values. If you see it as something that can guide you to be a better person or to set things right, then things will turn back into balance very quickly. And it will feel really good! Guilt can help us stay true to ourselves and move through life with integrity. Setting things right, or following our moral compass to begin with, will give us a strong sense of self-respect. And if you feel like you've lost your way... it's never too late to set things right and start over!
  

• Fear: Fear can be an alert to danger. However, most of our fears are imagined and irrational. Overcoming our fears can give us confidence and courage, and make us more complete and balanced as human beings. When fears are not adequately, objectively and thoroughly explored, it can lead to many reinforcing thoughts where we end up scaring ourselves and sustaining the problem by avoiding confrontation. So make sure to apply the reality check, find the roots of your fears, and pull them out like weeds (see also the worry/stress part). Emotions that result from thought are never pure, and as you get more in touch with your emotional world, you will learn to see the difference more and more clearly and quickly.
  

The gifts of (lost) romantic love

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

I lost two romantic relationships this year, one at the beginning of the year and one at the very end. The first one ended because it had reached its natural expiration date - and so it was a relief when it ended. The latter was much harder to deal with, even though it lasted for a shorter time, because I didn't (and still don't) understand why it had to end. It feels like I have waited my whole life for the kind of connection we had (and to some degree still have), only to find that it is out of my reach...

When romantic love is lost untimely, it hurts. But something beautiful can happen when we stay in touch with our pain in that moment. Be thankful for the pain as well as the beautiful moments you shared together and the joy it brought to your life (which is probably still there to some extend). You can’t exclude one without excluding the other; the only way is to fully, wholeheartedly be open to both. Stay in touch with yourself; hold yourself. Take this opportunity to see that you can handle the pain; that there is no need to be afraid of it. That you can stay open and connected to yourself (and by extension, to others also), now and in the future. And notice that, when you experience it in this way (i.e. feeling the empowerment in your own vulnerability, without resistance to the pain and without wallowing in it - staying in touch with both the joy and the pain in a balanced way), they merge. This is what some call (universal) Love, which is much greater than romantic love. And in that place, when fully embraced, all pain vanishes and/or transforms, leaving you just with a full heart, overflowing with Love and gratitude.

Also, lost love is an illusion. Heartbreak is an illusion. For you can never lose the love you felt (even though it feels that way sometimes, especially when our gift of love is not received or reciprocated by the other person), because the love you felt for him or her was never theirs; it was yours. It originated from you and will stay with you, and you can always choose to continue feeling/giving it (silently or expressed); there is no reason to stop the flow of love unless we want to punish ourselves. And staying in touch with your love, the love you feel, also doesn't prevent you from saying goodbye if that is what you need to do. Love can be felt in any situation, whether from a distance or up close. The love you feel is your gift to the world. There is no way you can lose it, but the only way to feel it and be aware of it is to give it away / let it flow through you freely (as universal love, in its many forms). 

Don't limit yourself to feeling and expressing love only in a romantic relationship. Try to experience love and caring and appreciation (for yourself and others and nature) in everything you do. Love is still with(in) you; so share it, feel it and enjoy it. Whether others receive your gift of Love is their business, but really it doesn't matter, because just the act of giving is always a gift to yourself first. If you can find someone who appreciates your gift and is as open to (giving and receiving) it as you are, even better: after all, most things are better when they are shared. And don't be surprised if your gift of love (whether silently experienced or expressed) inspires others to open up in response. So don’t allow the world to extinguish your flame; instead, shine your light on the world and allow it to transform all (within and without) as a result.

Trust that life will have gifts to offer no matter what happens in the future, and let go of the need for security (definite answers) or wanting to control outcomes. Also, accept the past, as we can't change it. In other words, surrender to the present moment. That is the key to receiving its many gifts.

In one of my next posts I will outline some specific tools that I use for working through emotions and staying in touch with my true (loving) nature.

Making A Vision Board

For the past few weeks I have been suffering from a broken heart. I 'met' someone online and we had a great connection: shared ideals, shared plans for the future, similar values, great communication and a shared passion for self-sufficient lifestyles. Due to living in different parts of the world we hadn't met in person yet but we talked via chat and on Skype. And then suddenly everything changed. I am not sure what happened. Maybe the excitement wore off for him, or maybe he was afraid of taking the next step (meeting), or maybe there was someone else in his life. I don't know. All I know is that it was over. He never actually told me why or what happened. He just found ways to shut down all communication between us, and after a few months of trying to reconnect (and merely getting vague and indirect answers) I think I have to conclude that he no longer wishes to be a part of my life. I will never know what might have been.

Of course, rationally, I can tell myself this is a good thing. After all, it would be much easier to be with someone who wants to share with me what is going on for him, even when this is difficult to do. Situations and feelings can always change, but when things are not working out as you hoped then it's fair to let the other person know so that they can either do something about it or move on with their lives, instead of leaving them hanging - and guessing - for months. So rationally I understand this wasn't such a good match after all. But still, it hurt.
A lot.

I contemplated what it was that made it so difficult for me to let go this time and I realized there were three things:

1. For me, meeting someone who has similar ideas and values and who actually wants to create a similar kind of lifestyle is a rare event. From this it is easy to conclude that perhaps there aren't many people who have similar life goals to mine, but it could also mean that I don't meet enough people and/or that I go to the wrong places to meet them. On top of that - as I wrote in my previous blog post - I move around a lot, which makes it difficult to build and maintain lasting friendships. So it will be important for me to start meeting more like-minded people; not just people who live far away, but also people who live nearby. And the more people I meet, the bigger the chance that some of them will have similar values, goals and dreams.

2. At least some of the time I doubt whether the kind of person I would like to share my life with exists at all (and whether they are within my reach). The first part of this is connected with the previous point: because I believe that I am looking for a rare combination of qualities. But maybe this is just a matter of being in the wrong crowd. Also, I have to remind myself that it is not necessary to find many people like this - just one will do.

3. Another subconscious belief that came to the surface is that sometimes I feel like I am not good enough as I am, or that I somehow have to earn love; that I am not lovable just the way I am. In those moments, I feel like I have to convince others that I am worthy of love. Of course when someone loses interest, it reinforces the story - even though it probably has nothing to do with me.

These realizations finally motivated me to create my First Ever Vision Board to help me focus on shifting these tendencies, and it was SO much fun! I highly recommend it :) You can use a program like Vision Board Builder. I started off with a colorful wallpaper image to get the beautiful background colors, and layered the other images over the top.

Here's a breakdown of my vision board:

LOVE (and friends)
For me, 'practicing life' is about unconditional love, towards myself and others. Universal love goes beyond preferences and all other types of judgments. Love is joy in its purest form. It is a practice; a way of life. 'Issues' that come up in relationships with others can teach me what I haven't realized yet about myself, or show me what I have to let go of.
Love is free: free of attachment and free of demands. Love is connection, sharing and openness. Love is about being myself around others, getting comfortable being uncomfortable for the sake of personal growth. Love is about bringing out the best in each other, and looking for the best in everyone I meet. It is about bringing joy into other people's lives, because I know and support others' deepest wishes and desires and support them as much as I support my own, without the imposition of my own agenda. It is about honest self-expression, and therefore also about listening with compassion when others share their world with me. All of this starts with knowing myself, accepting myself, and loving myself- not superficially, but unconditionally.
Romantic love brings two people together who want to explore the depths of self-growth and unconditional love, and share the best and the worst of life's experiences with each other in order to learn and grow. Together they build a strong bond so that they can take each other to higher/deeper levels, explore all facets of life together and be each other's mirror and inspiration.

TRUST
Without trust there can be no love and without love it is difficult to trust. The trust I am talking about is a fundamental (and therefore unshakable) kind of trust: a deep knowing that whatever will happen is what needs to happen. Moreover, knowing that what happens is always the best possible outcome. Trusting that life will always bring me what I need and even what I ultimately want, even if I don't realize it at the time. And trusting that everything that happens in my life is designed to bring me happiness and freedom. Everything is a gift. So far this has always been true for me - without exceptions. It just takes me a while to realize it sometimes.

PEACE
Inner peace is the absence of stress. When I experience stress, I look to my mind to see what causes it. When I experience peace, I can see that I am connected with truth - in the flow of the present moment without resistance or attachment - free to respond naturally and spontaneously. Even the slightest amount of stress is my wake-up call. Peace is always present inside and stress is always caused by me. That is empowering knowledge. I can choose peace at any time. 

CREATIVITY
We are always creating, but what we are creating depends on our inner states. When we have trust, inner peace and an awareness of love, then our creations reflect that. Creation is perhaps one of the most magnificent wonders of life, because it can be a way to shine a light for others, simply by expressing what is true for you in the moment and what is important to you.

In my experience, gratitude is not something that needs direct focus because it results from living in a harmonious and present state of mind. Trying to ‘be grateful’ doesn’t work, because you are trying to get an effect without putting in the required ingredients first (or more precisely: without doing the work that is required to uncover it). It might feel inauthentic or forced. I only included it as a measure for progress. I also included fun and health, because sometimes I particularly forget about those two aspects of my life. It serves to remind me to check whether I am eating healthy foods and whether I am making time to play and have fun. It is important not to take yourself too seriously at least some of the time.

The picture in the center of the board is one of my favorite pictures of me because it represents all of the aspects that are important to me in one single image. I added the Tarot card on Wednesday when I did a past-present-future spread which gave me the 10 of cups as my card for the future. That happens to be one of my favorite Tarot cards and it fits very well with the themes on the vision board.


If you have a vision board as well, I would love to see yours!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today it is my dad's birthday and I would like to honor him by sharing some of the great things he has taught me. I would not be the same person without him!

Thank you dad, I love you! <3

Dad visiting me in Australia

Honesty is most important
There is no one in the world I trust as much as my dad. He always tells me the truth, because he has nothing to hide. He lives a life true to himself. Anyone who does that, has no need to be dishonest. There is nothing to gain from it. This is the type of person I also try to be in every moment. It is my main priority, because I have experienced the benefits of this way of life too. It is not even about other people; it is mostly about being honest with myself. After all, I am the one who has to live with the things that I say and do. Being honest just makes life so much easier.

The importance of backing up words with actions
I can give many examples of things my dad has done that show that he favors actions over merely words, especially when it comes to the things that are important to him. This does not just apply to big decisions, but also to small, everyday actions. He is a man you can count on. He is there when people need him and he gives the best advice. He keeps his promises and lives his life according to his values as best as he can at all times. When he realizes that something goes against his values, he simply stops doing  it. Actions are the foundations of words; not the other way around. I realize now how rare (and valuable) this quality is, and I am always grateful when I meet other people like this.
Dad has often reminded me of the importance of actions, for example whenever he noticed that my actions didn't match my words or when some of my actions were not in line with my values. He has done so all my life and he still does so if necessary, so I've had a lifetime of practice. In this way, my dad has taught me to be mindful, reflective and to take responsibility for my words and actions: to live life with integrity (and true to myself).

If you want something and it doesn’t exist yet (or it is not allowed); create it.
My dad was always fascinated by cars and of course he wanted his own. But he was only a little boy, so he did not have the money to buy one and he didn't even have a driver's license. So he built his own car, with the help of his father, when he was 6 years old. It was made from some leftover car parts and had an electrical motor. He kept refining it and perfecting it until he was about 16. When he was 12 he made his first car with a petrol-driven motor. So my dad had a lot of driving experience when he was finally legally allowed to drive (at age 18).

My dad's first self-built electric car! In this picture he was around 7 or 8

Never give up on your dreams; if you want it, you can achieve it
It is almost like my dad never has any doubts when I share my dreams with him. Sometimes of course he has some concerns or tips regarding practicalities, but he believes in the power of will. If you really want something and if the goal is worthwhile and meaningful, then you will achieve it; there is just no question. That is how my dad also lives his life. He never doubted any of his dreams, and he achieved them all, despite what anyone else thought. I guess it also helps that my dad knows how to keep it simple. He knows that he doesn't need much to be happy. His main dream was to own a small company and run a business making something useful. He achieved this goal in his early forties, even though it was a tough road.
Nobody else believed that he could ever make it: his teachers had given up on him very early on because he was more interested in the occasional fly that landed on his desk than what the teacher was saying. His parents also weren't sure he would ever amount to anything because he was doing so poorly at school. They made him change schools six times, but to no avail. Dad just didn't care much for traditional ways of learning. He has a gift for technical work though, and building things from scratch. Dad knew this all along - which is why he never worried about his future. He knew he would be okay. After all, he was already the proud owner of a car at the tender age of 6. Not many people can make such a claim.

The first car he didn't build himself: A Triumph Herald

Don’t be afraid to work hard for something you really want – and don’t lose sight of what is important in the process
My dad is retired now, but he has always been a hard worker. He never worked for the money, but simply because he enjoys the process of creating things. He worked as a dental technician for all his life. He never counted his hours and often worked 16 hours a day (sometimes more); often with some additional hours on the weekends. He never requested any extra pay for overtime (and never got any), because money was not his main priority.
The extra hours were often necessary due to problems with other staff (prolonged sickness; holidays) while the workload remained the same. My dad is a pragmatic and reliable person so he would always make sure that the work got done; finishing one thing at a time. Of course he got the position of manager soon enough and took over the business several years later. All the while he kept working long hours; making sure that everyone else could always go home in time. And he never complained about it.

The importance of giving
My dad never wanted much for himself. He is happy living a simple life and appreciates the little things. He doesn’t need a lot of stuff and would rather give to others than get a lot of stuff for himself. He was like that even as a little boy. When he was young (around seven years old) he won a competition and he got to choose between several prizes. He chose a sewing kit. Everybody laughed at him because it was a 'girly' choice and his classmates (as well as the teacher) made fun of him for weeks. However, the reason he chose it was because his sister was ill at the time and he was hoping that giving her an unexpected gift might cheer her up.

Having fun watching mum when she is politely declining
the offers of overzealous sales-people

Stand up for what you believe in
My dad is a man of principle. He would never do anything if he didn’t support it on some level, and he expects the same from others. He is not afraid to say no, but he only says it when something goes against his values. If not, then he is always ready to help anyone who may need it.
When my dad was 24 years old, he had to go into the army (it was compulsory at the time). It was a place he had no intention of going to because he does not believe in war, but there were only a few ways to get out of it: one was to get married, one to get imprisoned and the final one was failing the physical or mental tests. Even though my mum and dad were already dating at the time, they decided they wanted to get married for the right reasons and at a time that felt right for them. So my dad went for the final option.
He still gave the army a try for one week, but after that he was extremely certain he wanted nothing to do with it. He stopped eating and started feigning other psychological symptoms. He was relieved from his duties immediately and put under investigation. After three months of thorough investigations and examinations (and losing too much weight due to the ongoing self-starvation), he was free to go. During the process of investigations he was coached by his brother (a psychologist), who gave him useful tips on how to respond to the inquisitions. After he was 'released', he got a permanent mark on his records of his 'disability' and he was warned by government officials that he would never get another job with this. My dad took the chance anyway.
Of course nobody ever cared about it afterwards and the subject was never brought up again (even though it is still on his records to this day). I am very proud of my dad for taking a stand against the army despite the threats and pressure to comply, and for not caring about what others would think or what the consequences would be. Freedom is worth fighting for; borders are not! 

Stand by your own side
You can stand strong by yourself; you don’t need others on your side to stand stronger. If you know how to support yourself no matter what, you will be invincible.
I remember an event that happened when I was very young (perhaps around 6 or 7 years old). I was buying second-hand horse magazines from another child, and we were trying to get to a deal. I was telling her how much I wanted to spend, and the girl said how much she was expecting to get; the typical bargaining one learns early on. Of course we did not entirely agree and the girl quickly asked her mum. Mum got involved and gave some advice on pricing. I still did not agree. The girl kept checking with her mum and eventually we reached an agreement. Afterwards I asked my dad why he didn’t get involved to support me. And he said that he was so proud of me that I didn’t ask his help. He said that I was in a much stronger position because I did not show any doubt and merely expressed my own wishes and beliefs, without involving anyone else. That was a much stronger argument than that of the other girl. He did not want to interfere and ruin that. Even though it was a small incident, it was a defining moment in my life, because my dad gave me a completely different perspective on the situation, which taught me self-respect.
My dad has always believed in me, especially at times when I did not believe in myself (or anything else) anymore. He has always reminded me (and he still does) of my worth and my talents, and the difference I can make in the world. We all have this ability to make a difference. None of us is more special or more talented than another; we just have different kinds of talents. That is the main reason why it is so important to find your passion. Passion is what can - and does!- change the world!

My dad's new-and-improved car (fuel-driven) when he was about 14

Never lose your sense of humor
My dad makes the best jokes in the world, because they are always clever and never mean or cheap (they don't involve bringing down people, subgroups or any other form of life). They are mostly situational, or puns. He is really funny and it is catchy. When I am with my dad, he brings out the best in me and we have the best of times.
Dad has never lost his sense of humor, throughout his life. Even when he was in hospital after suffering a brain aneurysm and we all thought he was going to die, he was still making people around him laugh and changing the hospital into a more cheerful place. Sometimes I take life too seriously, but when I talk to my dad, I am reminded that life is better with a sense of humor. It puts everything in perspective.

Laughing at dad's funny comments. Pure joy! :D

Loyalty and standing up for others (justice)
My dad is a loyal friend who will always have your back and stick up for people when necessary. When my dad started working at 18 or 19 years old, his boss was complaining to all the employees that it was all so expensive. He was paying for the employees to get their training and then they were also requesting a pay rise (minimum wage had just gone up).
This made my dad angry because the boss was a wealthy man who should really not complain about such matters to his staff, so my dad decided to make a statement. He requested a talk with his boss in his office and said that he didn't want the raise if the boss was going to complain about it to everyone and blame his staff members, because my dad had never personally asked for it in the first place. The boss then admitted that that was not possible, because the government forced him to pay this amount. Dad told him that he shouldn't be complaining about it then, and left the office to get back to work.

Tolerance
Dad taught me to be respectful of others, because you never know their full story, even if you think they told you. You can never know people's intentions, or their hopes and dreams, because you are not them. But there is one thing that unites all of us: We all want freedom, happiness and we want to matter. We want to be acknowledged and respected as human beings. We want to belong. And if we keep this in mind, the world is a very friendly place indeed.

There are always inspiring people around us and we can learn from all of them. My dad has always been my hero, and I have discovered many other inspiring people who have taught me various things as well. Different people can teach you different skills and perspectives, and we can take bits and pieces from everyone we meet and combine them to build up our own perfect self; in line with our personal truths, beliefs and values.

May you find inspiration in your fellow beings!

Let me know in the comments who has inspired you and what you learned!

Free Your Mind

What if people were taught to think for themselves instead of obeying others and following orders? What if we would trust our own inner guidance rather than blindly follow some stranger that happens to be recognized as a ‘leader’? What if every human being would go on their own quest for truth and wisdom before speaking out about any issue? What if we would listen to each other with respect and reason instead of fear and a determination to be right, so that we could really hear each other and learn from each other while keeping our minds and hearts open at all times? What if we would stop forcing others to think the way we were taught to think, and try to look at the world from someone else’s point of view, to see if perhaps it could start to make sense?

Un-free (=conditioned, or some might say 'brainwashed') thinking usually triggers discomfort. It feels uncomfortable, because it may not be true for you, even though you were taught to think this way. It can create inner and outer conflicts, because it doesn't make sense. To find out what is true for you, perhaps the following process may prove useful to you. It has helped me gain clarity on many occasions.

1. Find a quiet space, without any distractions.
Get away from noise. Get away from people, and others' opinions. Find a quiet place in nature, where you can freely reflect without getting disturbed, for as long as necessary. Switch off your phone. Connect with nature. Re-connect with yourself.
Connect with all species, with all beings. How do they live? Observe. Connect with the flow of life. Realize you are a part of it. Nothing is permanent. All is in motion. All is connected, all is relative. Nothing exists in a vacuum. If you fully understand one part of life, truly, then all other stuff starts to make more sense as well. Start simple; start with the earth. Start with nature.
In all of this, do not seek an answer. The answer will come naturally. However, if this process does not give you an answer (but it will with practice) then think about what your hero would do. What would Gandhi do, say, or think. What would Nelson Mandela do, what would the Dalai Lama do, what would Byron Katie do, what would your dog do, what would a child do before it was taught fear, what would [whoever you think is wise and pure in his/her mind and actions] do?

2. Question your beliefs.
a. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Everyone that is involved in the matter that you are contemplating, deserves your attention. The 'terrorist', the politician, the 'victim', the bystander. One by one.

b. Watch them with an open mind: Let go of the perception that they must be either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. There are no enemies and no victims; only fellow earthlings. Let go of any mental story you may have about them. Just visualize their face and look them in the eyes. What do you see? Look at the (human) being behind your assumptions, concepts and judgments.What are their hopes, dreams, fears, motivations, desires? Can you imagine where they came from; what kind of life they may have had? See in which ways you are like them. What do you have in common? Have you had similar beliefs, hopes and dreams? Again, stop yourself from looking at the image in your mind as either good or bad. Just observe. And know that even now these images still exist only in your mind. They can exist nowhere else.

c. Look yourself in the eye (use a mirror, or imagine it). What are you feeling and believing in this matter? What are your hopes and dreams? What are you doing to yourself through your mental projections? And can you let go of the story you tell yourself about them in your mind? Consider the opposite of what you are believing. Could this be as true?

d. Where do your beliefs come from? Take them back to the roots. Who taught you this? And do they still make sense?

3. Let go.
Disconnect (mentally) from your story about yourself and the situation, your reflections, your thoughts, your feelings and contemplations. Do not push them away, but simply disengage; stop feeding into them and interacting with them in your mind. Disconnect from all the answers you came up with in the previous step. Disconnect from what it may have taught you. There is nothing to learn and nothing to remember. All you need to know is already present. It is waiting for you. It will shine through automatically when you let go of the rest.
Disconnect from what you were taught when you were younger and how you were raised. Disconnect from morals and opinions (they are not yours anyway; and if they are they will remain). Only what is true for you will remain. It does not require any effort. Conditioning requires effort. It requires maintaining through repetition. It requires memorizing. If you let go of all you think you know, then what will remain is all you need to know.
Letting go may require some practice.

For more information about freeing your mind, I highly recommend The Work of Byron Katie. Katie has taught me so much and I owe much of my progress in life to her.

What It Takes To Live Moneyless

With this post I would like to debunk the myth that jobless or moneyless living equals lazy, or that it mostly involves sitting around all day and profiting from other people's hard work. I will outline here what it takes to live and maintain the moneyless lifestyle, so that you can check for yourself whether you could fit the bill.

Characteristics, qualities and skills required to live the moneyless lifestyle

I call it a lifestyle for a reason: to be successful living moneyless, you need to develop certain qualities. This is the main reason the experience has been so valuable to me; it has encouraged me to be the best version of myself that I can be, and I am still learning and evolving. No personal development course or training could ever have given me the skills and experience I gained so far from living this way. Here are some things I have found to be of paramount importance in this way of living:

1. Contribution (Unconditional giving)
Contribution is the cornerstone of the moneyless lifestyle. This means contributing in some way to anything beyond yourself (other people, animals, plants, the earth, etc). It helps if you also have a vision; some theme to work on that guides and shapes your actions. For me, it is the environment: supporting the earth and all of life on earth. I did not have a clear vision when I started my challenge, but I developed one quite quickly and naturally into the process, because my experiences broadened and refined my perspective on life. Living moneyless I experienced very clearly that none of us can live in a bubble: every being on earth depends on many other beings in some way.  This is why we need to collaborate and look after each other (not just humans, but all parts of the ecosystem). Life supporting life.
When you have a cause you support that goes beyond yourself, it also makes it easier for others to get to know you and understand what you are about, because you have a story that explains instantly who you are and what is important to you. You may even restore others' faith in humanity by sharing -and demonstrating- that you care about something other than just personal gain. The demonstrating part is obviously very important: actions speak louder than words.
After living moneyless for a while, you will notice that contribution starts to become second nature. It is no longer about getting something in return (like it is with money). Step by step you will move away from the exchange mindset. Exchange can be useful, but in many cases it tends to detract from the experience of giving and can make the receiver feel uncomfortable. Unconditionality also helps you to live in the moment and thus enjoy life more.
(Read more about my thoughts on contribution here.)

2. Being a reliable, trustworthy person
It doesn't matter how much fun you are to be around, or how much you give to other people on certain occasions: if you break promises for no good reason or miss appointments, then people are not going to want to collaborate with you. And collaboration is key to success with this way of life. So it is important that you do what you say and say what you do. I try to communicate as clearly and truthfully as possible and always stick to my word to the best of my ability.
Another aspect of being a reliable person is having principles (integrity). This requires being aware of all the consequences of what you do and having strong moral guidelines to steer your actions. Some of the most important guidelines I live by are: 1. Always support life/creation over death/destruction (on a global scale and across all species). 2. It is okay to harm the (societal) system, but never the individual. 3. Loyalty is the basis of friendship that is present at all times: not just when you need them and also in the person's absence.
When people say they trust me, or when I notice that an animal trusts me, to me that is the biggest compliment in the world. Trustworthiness, loyalty and integrity are not just a very important focus in my relationships with others, but also essential aspects I look for in other people. It is far more important than being beautiful, popular, rich, smart or anything else.

3. Being attentive/ Thoughtfulness
When you live moneyless, you will soon discover you have much more to give than you ever thought. This is why you will quickly learn to be more attentive to others' wants and needs. You will develop a natural interest in others and remember their likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, wishes and desires. This is because giving is your new purpose.
If you know what people need, want and like, then you can give them exactly that when the opportunity presents itself. You can create ripples of joy and it won't cost you anything other than paying attention to what people say and do, and perhaps investing some time. Life is just much more worthwhile when you have others around you with whom to share your blessings.

4. Resourcefulness / Creativity
Along with a belief in yourself and a belief that it is possible for you to make your dreams come true, you need to develop your resourcefulness so that you can in fact make them happen. There is always a way; you just have to find it. You will not survive if you refuse to think outside the box. You won't even be able to get started. So question everything and try to think outside the norm at all times. It is a skill all of us can learn. Most of us rely too much on assumptions and presuppositions. There is so much more to explore!

5. Patience and perseverance
When making things happen, you also often need patience and perseverance. Things do not always work out instantly. It may take a couple of tries. When I was searching for my first free home, I sent out approximately 60-100 emails to homeowners before getting a positive response. Some things take time, so give it time. And over time you will learn to trust that all will work out, because it always does.
When things do not work out instantly, that also provides a wonderful opportunity for you to contemplate alternative ways to do things and thus practice resourcefulness. The best ideas usually appear in the quiet times when nothing seems to be happening. Brainstorming and thinking outside the box are just about sitting comfortably in the space of "not knowing". So having a way to make everything happen in an easy and straightforward way (e.g. money) actually robs us of the opportunity to practice resourcefulness and learn to think outside the box.

6. Gratitude
Gratitude is not really a requirement to live moneyless, but it is rather a natural consequence of moneyless living. This lifestyle teaches gratitude because you learn to take nothing for granted. Everything is given and yet you never know whether it will be there again tomorrow, or how or where it will show up. Of course this is always the case in life, but it is easier to forget when you use money on a daily basis, because it gives us the illusion of security, stability, continuity and control.
Gratitude is also a consequence of living life according to your highest principles and living life with integrity. You get the opportunity to give as much as you can (and you get a lot back in return, but that is just a bonus at that point). Life becomes a flow of give and take - not in the sense of exchange, but as a blended concept. It is impossible to live life without receiving and it is also impossible to live without giving. You can only shape the form it takes to some degree. So purposeful exchange  (especially involving money) seems pointless and artificial, as giving and receiving are essential elements of each moment of existence. It is what life is made of.

It is difficult to put all the changes and qualities you will develop into words because it is hard to understand for those who have not experienced it. But these changes will come naturally and automatically as you gradually change your perspective on life and stop relying on money.

Are you aware of all you are giving and all you are given in each moment?
I invite you to notice.

The Balance of Masculine & Feminine Energies

Balance and flexibility are two of the most important ingredients for a successful and happy life. And identification (with concepts / labels) and rigidness can be obstacles that need to be overcome, or let go of, along the way. A simple example of a common concept that people can (sometimes rigidly) attach to is that of male and female, which can distort our capacity to tap into both masculine and feminine energies and takes us away from our inherent strength. If you can regain your flexibility and openness (and let go of rigidness and identification), then you can maintain your adaptability. And whoever has adaptability, has the biggest chance of survival in any kind of circumstance.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one that is most adaptable to change."   ~ Interpretation of Darwin's Origin of Species by Professor Leon C. Megginson

Different situations call for different responses. Sometimes life requires you to be tough, sometimes vulnerable. A lack of flexibility stops us from flowing with life. This is also an important reason why many societal structures and other regimes fail in the long run. They are created in a certain time period to satisfy a certain need at the time. But they fail to adapt to changing needs and circumstances, and usually long overstay their welcome (in the name of tradition) after they are no longer needed or useful. They may even become obstacles to the very purpose they were originally intended to serve.

My own process of identification and letting go

When I was a young girl growing up, many people described me as a tomboy: tough, bold, a little bit on the aggressive side, strong and independent (at least most of the time). This was the most effective way for me to be at the time, as school was an atrocious battleground from the very first day. I had to be tough. In that environment, kindness was a weakness without any rewards. The only rewards came from coldness and detachment: it allowed me to remain relatively untouchable. As I grew older and stayed in that same type of environment for more than ten years, I started to identify with that self-image and it became my 'behavioral set-point'. I lost touch with my 'softer side', which by then had become a scary, vulnerable place that I did not wish to explore. I did not see any benefit in it. I also didn't understand others who were more emotional than I was and saw them as weak and spineless. I lacked empathy and compassion, because I had given up on feelings.

It wasn't until I got older and after experiencing some serious long-term turbulence in my life, that I also started developing my softer, vulnerable and feminine side, but only because life forced me to do so. Life literally broke down the wall I had conveniently built around myself. (Life tends to do that.)

Now, after having experienced both energies very intensely for an extended period of time, I have come to see the beauty (and possible darkness) in each of them and I believe that having access to both energies and being flexible enough to live life with either one of them taking the lead depending on what life throws at you, is the most natural way to be, and a way to feel complete and balanced as a person. It happens naturally when you start to get comfortable in your own skin and stop caring about what other people think, want and do. And of course it helps if you stop comparing yourself to others.

Masculine and feminine energies

There are still many gender role expectations that put pressure on males and females to behave in a certain way, in accordance with what is culturally acceptable. We are conditioned to believe that we should only develop ourselves in gender-specific directions: females should develop their femininity, and males should develop their masculinity. Or sometimes, such as in my case, it is rather the circumstances that get someone to develop and identify with one side more so than the other. Both factors contribute to people holding themselves back from exploring and strengthening their complimentary energies and practicing flexibility.

When masculine energy is not balanced, or when it is forcefully displayed independent of external circumstance, a person can become closed-off, distant, indifferent, cruel, arrogant, superficial, over-analytical, violent, cold, selfish, remorseless, dominant and aggressive. When feminine energy is not balanced, the person can become weak, whiny, claiming, clingy, gossipy and blaming, helpless, victim-minded, manipulative, lacking initiative, passive-aggressive, demanding and overly sensitive (taking everything personally). However, when you are balanced, non-identified and flexible, and when you can tap into both qualities whenever the situation calls for them, then you can access and develop qualities like courage, presence, humanness, a grounded sense of unshakable self-confidence (because it is not about you), determination and purposefulness, compassion and love.

So let's celebrate people (men and women) who have the ability to tap into their feminine / emotional side, while remaining balanced. I appreciate your soft, loving, compassionate energy. I feel safe, taken care of and cherished when I am around you. I feel safe to express myself and I feel safe when I am around you. I am grateful for people who allow themselves to be open at all times and are able to share their feelings and experience heartfelt compassion. You teach me how to be vulnerable and stay strong, especially in the face of adversity. You show me what strength and freedom really mean: it is a balance of yes and no, with courage, passion and integrity as the core ingredients. You teach me how to deal with difficult people without getting into conflict. You teach me how to treat everyone with love and respect, and approach everyone with a basic understanding of their humanness and a natural acceptance of any perceived flaws. You show the world how to suspend judgment, or sometimes even refrain from judging someone or something altogether; not because you don't care, but because you care more about personal freedom and acceptance than about being right (and because you know that you never know the full story, even if you think you do). You remind me that strength has many faces, including vulnerability and the freedom of emotional expression, and that beauty has nothing to do with what a person looks like on the outside. You show me the depths of being and just how far-reaching love and compassion can be. You teach me about true wisdom, peace and unconditional love.

Also kudos to the people (men and women) who are in touch with their strong, masculine, protective side. You prompt me to remember my purpose in life, and give me the drive to overcome all the challenges I encounter. You teach me to never give up on my dreams, no matter what happens. You show me the power of NO and the importance of being principled and honorable in everything I do. My decisions and choices reflect who I am; they make all the difference. You teach me about personal responsibility; this is how I can change the world single-handedly (at times when there is no one to collaborate with). You inspire me to trust the universe: success will draw others in; it is only a matter of time.The ripples you create will affect everyone and everything around you, no matter what you choose to do in life; so make it count. You teach me that love is always free; and that true freedom encompasses all that matters. You teach me to think clearly and to express myself in an eloquent and precise matter, and why that is important. You show me what grounded confidence looks like: it is not about how great you feel about yourself, but about remaining balanced and having an unshakable groundedness about you, because you know that nothing is about you (nothing is personal). You show me how to stay clear-headed and not lose myself in the oceans of emotional turmoil. You remind me to stand by myself before anything else; to be my own best friend and sometimes even my only friend.

The energies complement each other: feminine energy gives depth and masculine energy brings action. This is why masculine energy without the feminine can seem superficial and cold (ungrounded) and feminine without masculine energy can cause others to lose themselves in the intricacies.

If you can maintain balance and flexibility (freedom from identification) and if you can see that no single thing is better than another (there are only differences); if you can go beyond form and tap into the universal energy source that contains all, then everything will fall into place. Separation disappears. Gender disappears. Right and wrong disappears. Black and white disappears. Everything melts into one. Let's celebrate our differences, because they offer us an opportunity to learn and expand and grow. And let's focus first and foremost on our similarities: what we all share and have in common. We truly are on big family. Not just humans, but all of life. Let’s stop pulling things apart that belong together. Let’s nurture our humanness and explore all of our strengths, removing all boundaries (and defenses) in the process.

We need more men (and women) to let boys know that it is uncool to act macho and we need more women (and men) to let girls know it is not self-serving (and very unsexy) to behave in a whiny and helpless manner. If we condone destructive behavior without any natural consequences, then we may be contributing to it. Love does not assist destructive forces. Not in oneself and not in others. This is different from condemnation: not assisting and not participating in behavior is much more powerful (and peaceful) than judgement and condemnation.

A new you is born in every moment. Allow, observe, relax, enjoy.

Living In Gratitude: How The Moneyless Challenge Changed Me

Before I started the Moneyless Challenge, I was on a quest for happiness: the relatively lasting and constant type of happiness. At the time I believed that money should play a big part in achieving this form of happiness. Not because I needed to be rich or needed a lot of stuff and luxuries, but because I believed that what I really wanted (freedom) was only achievable if I had a lot of money.

My dream involved buying a big block of land and building an ecohome somewhere in the mountains, to live a quiet life surrounded by nature; far away from 'civilazation' and the pollution that I associated it with, and without the stresses, obligations, constant distractions and tiresome routines of modern life that tend to dull the creative spirit and numb awareness. But in trying to earn enough money to "set myself free" (materially at least), I found this goal to be drifting further and further away from me while I was getting more and more entangled into society's constraining structures. By turning money into my main objective, I had sacrificed my current happiness for a pie in the sky; an uncertain possibility that may or may not happen sometime in the future, all the while postponing my happiness and losing my freedom. I can only say this in hindsight, because at the time I firmly believed that money was the only key to achieving my goal. I also believed that I was relatively happy.

Then a series of unfortunate events happened in about three years time, which forced me to rethink my priorities in life and question my need for money. I lost three jobs in a row. I lost significant amounts of money through bad investments. I lost even more money because several people I trusted did not pay back money they owed me. I even got involved in two lawsuits with people who wanted money (in the end I won, but it was very stressful). Then to top it all off, due to some bureaucratic loopholes I got no unemployment benefits from the government at all for about six months. All my sources of income were cut off and my savings were vanishing swiftly like ice cubes on a barbecue. I became isolated, because I felt like I had nothing to offer (neither financially nor otherwise) and I became depressed. I was living with my parents, because I had no way to sustain myself. And even though they did everything to help me feel loved and appreciated, I felt like I was a burden. I felt useless and worthless. This is when the need to get creative was born. It was either that, or give up completely. And since I hadn't tried everything just yet, I could not give up.

Incidentally, this is when I discovered dumpster diving, and it saved my life. Not because I was in desperate need of food, but because I needed to feel valuable, by somehow enhancing the lives of the people I cared about: my parents, sister and friends. Dumpster diving gave me the opportunity to give back to others again, after having felt like a useless and selfish freeloader for a long time (albeit forced). I also actually enjoyed the diving; it felt like treasure hunting. My mum also loved it and always appreciated my finds. So when I finally found a more stable job (switching careers, from therapist to researcher) I started the moneyless challenge, initially just for fun and to recover some of my savings. This is when a series of epiphanies started to hit me, as I broadened my challenge to cover even more areas of my life.

Without money, everything becomes a gift

Even though I did not start my moneyless challenge in order to attain happiness, it turned out to be the easiest way for me to find it. When you take money out of the experience of the exchange (on purpose; not through necessity), then everything becomes a gift... The food I eat is a gift. The roof over my head is a gift. And the people who are in my life, with whom I can share what I have and who share what they have with me, are a gift too. Now, with every person I meet, I instantly look for the gift. I look for things I appreciate about them. This is what we all have in common. We are all givers. No one is more giving or less giving than another person. There is only a difference in awareness.
At the same time we are also all receivers. We are receiving life's gifts all the time. From others, from the earth, from other beings... Are you paying attention? What gifts are you receiving right now? And what are you giving in this moment? I bet it is more than you think, on both ends. Even if you would not be receiving anything from other people, it would be impossible to stop yourself from receiving the gifts that the earth provides: air to breathe, water to drink, livable temperatures, beautiful scenery, 'musical concerts' given by birds and insects, and so on.

A new perspective on life: Living in gratitude

The most profound effect of the moneyless challenge on my life has been that I gradually started living life with a firm and perpetual sense of gratitude, which was not there previously. It has changed the way I do everything. I am much more aware of my appreciation for life in general. I eat with appreciation for the healthy food that came to me in abundance and which I got to save from going to waste in a landfill. I talk to people with a sense of gratitude because they are in my life. When I help others I realize it is a gift in itself that I am able to be of service to someone. And when others reach out to me I can accept their help wholeheartedly because we both get to experience the joy of sharing. Life is a gift... That is not just a saying. I have experienced it as the truth over the past few years, and life continues to show me more.

So why did all this change for me just by going moneyless? Why is it easier to experience gratitude in the absence of money?

Money tends to give people a sense of entitlement, which is the direct opposite of gratitude. Long-term use of money can get you into a mindset of expectation; focused on what you can get from others instead of what you can contribute. By making money seem like a necessity rather than an option for exchange, money has become a modern method of enslavement. It has led to the anxious pursuit of money above all else and even a worshiping of money. Most people will go through life believing they always need slightly more money than they currently have, which keeps them stuck in jobs they don't enjoy, hanging around people they don't like or supporting societal structures that go against their core values. There seems to be no way out, so people become apathetic and indifferent. It hurts too much to care, if you don't know what to do about it. But living life in this manner is a sure way to become an unhappy person.
Similarly, money creates a sense of obligation: if someone pays you to do something, it can make you feel like you "have to" do it. It doesn't matter anymore whether you want to or not (this is why many people find it difficult to love their job). However, when there is no money involved in an exchange, there is full freedom. This makes it easier to give unconditionally (which is the only way to live in gratitude) and it makes it easier to perceive that which is given as authentic and genuine. This is only the first small step in setting yourself free from a money-dominated-mindset.

Another reason why living in gratitude is easier without money is that money diverts people's attention from real value. People tend to forget that money is a substitute for value (and a frivolous estimation at best), but it doesn't have any inherent value. Money only has the value that it has been given. It is an invention; it is not real. It will never have inherent value, even though it can be used in exchange for something of value, like time, skills, attention, efforts, empathy, food and so on. All of those have tangible value, but it can never be captured into a fixed amount. It is dependent on need. Letting go of fixed values and going back to inherent values allows us to flow with life and be open to whatever shows up: whatever is needed and whatever is provided at any given time. It makes us instantly aware of life's gifts that we so often take for granted. However, as soon as money comes in as a mediator or representation, real value is less likely to be experienced directly and hence the gifts life offers are less likely to be appreciated. Some people may even forget there was any inherent value to begin with and attach all the value directly to the money.

Therefore my conclusion is this: Happiness is free and money not only doesn't add much to finding happiness, but it can even be a huge obstacle in experiencing gratitude and happiness.

The road to living in gratitude

If you are not feeling grateful and happy regularly just yet, or you are stuck in the belief that you have nothing to offer, you can try the following 'road map' which may lead you to a more fulfilling life.

Step 1: Find out what you have in abundance (other than money) so that you can experience giving unconditionally. You can give your time, attention, empathy, dumpster diving treasures, appreciation, skills, support, and so on.
Step 2: Find someone you want to give to: Who would really need it and will appreciate what you have to offer? Who would you like to give to? Choosing someone you care about will make it easier to give unconditionally. It doesn't have to be a human; it can be just as rewarding to give to animals, plants and trees. As long as you care about the receiver of your gift. That is all that matters. You will learn to care more and more as you practice.
Step 3: Practice giving unconditionally (if you can't give unconditionally, then don't give at all. The key is to give from a place of abundance, which is all about your inner experience. Anything you feel you don't need to hold on to for yourself, is something you can give away). Experience the joy of giving. Again, focus on giving gifts of value (non-financial). Remember that only a poor mind wants more money. Be mindful of the need you are fulfilling when you give. Know that you are playing an important part in the universe: your part. With this mindset (an awareness of needs and a focus on being of service) there can be no mistakes.
Step 4: Be open to receive the gift of gratitude from others, even if it is repressed, or expressed silently. This is the most important step, because the people you give to will be your teacher: they will teach you gratitude. Experiencing gratitude through others is the first step to experiencing it for yourself.
Step 5: Notice that you get less and less attached to money and material stuff while getting more and more inclined to give to others. Giving unconditionally and being of service becomes a way of life. Everything you do will become about how to enrich other people's lives, as you realize it is the only way to enrich your own life. You will start to recognize more and more as a gift, until there is nothing else left.

The consequences of living in gratitude

The first thing that changed for me when I started to live moneyless, was that instead of focusing on what I could get out of life, I started paying more attention to what I could contribute to other beings (human and non-human). I realized that giving and receiving are more closely related than I previously thought (as most opposites) and after practicing giving unconditionally for a while, I noticed there is no difference; there is simply the act of sharing. Sometimes it is you initiating the sharing, and sometimes someone else. But in each instance of sharing, both are receivers.
Next it occurred to me that my needs are very different from what I had thought them to be. I did not need nearly as much as I thought I needed. The only thing I really needed was to feel like my life made a difference somehow, for anyone or anything other than myself (friends, family, animals, the earth...). Without this, all else was meaningless.
My idea of what freedom means as a goal has also changed. It used to mean to become completely self-sufficient and independent, and to be able to provide for all my needs without ever needing anyone's help again. Now this seems like a very undesirable goal and perhaps quite a limiting understanding of the word 'freedom'. It would be like building a cave to live as a hermit for the rest of my days. And then what? How could that be a fulfilling life? How would I be able to continue to share with others? So now I see freedom more as a mental state that results in being able to enjoy my life and live it in the way that I choose. This means mainly that my mind is free from previous conditioning and society's expectations. It also means that my contributions to others, society and the world are always voluntary. It goes hand in hand with trust: trust that life will lead me where it needs me.
I could even say that my highest priority is now peace of mind rather than freedom, although peace of mind is rather a consequence of my new state of mind than a goal that I pursue. In fact, it could be said I no longer have a goal that I pursue. I am just aware and have figured out a way to stay almost continuously balanced.
The experience of freedom also comes naturally with gradual detachment, which entails the ability to freely flow with life no matter what happens. Societal structures are the worst obstacles to freedom, if we attach to them too rigidly. Experiencing that it is possible to live without them can be the most enriching experience for that reason. Because to actually feel it is to know freedom. The moneyless challenge has driven me to question and let go of several (mental) constructs and attachments and I feel freer than ever before in my life.
Finding out how I could help others and what I can give, has been the key to many of my other quests in life as well. It has given me peace of mind, happiness, gratitude, and confidence. It taught me how to let go and accept life as it comes. It even restored my faith in humanity and love for humans. And gratitude has now become a state of being for me.

My final realization was that my relationships with others are most important in my life. Everything else is secondary. How I treat other people, other animals, and the earth that is my home is a direct reflection of who I am. I choose love.

What do you choose?