Free Your Mind

What if people were taught to think for themselves instead of obeying others and following orders? What if we would trust our own inner guidance rather than blindly follow some stranger that happens to be recognized as a ‘leader’? What if every human being would go on their own quest for truth and wisdom before speaking out about any issue? What if we would listen to each other with respect and reason instead of fear and a determination to be right, so that we could really hear each other and learn from each other while keeping our minds and hearts open at all times? What if we would stop forcing others to think the way we were taught to think, and try to look at the world from someone else’s point of view, to see if perhaps it could start to make sense?

Un-free (=conditioned, or some might say 'brainwashed') thinking usually triggers discomfort. It feels uncomfortable, because it may not be true for you, even though you were taught to think this way. It can create inner and outer conflicts, because it doesn't make sense. To find out what is true for you, perhaps the following process may prove useful to you. It has helped me gain clarity on many occasions.

1. Find a quiet space, without any distractions.
Get away from noise. Get away from people, and others' opinions. Find a quiet place in nature, where you can freely reflect without getting disturbed, for as long as necessary. Switch off your phone. Connect with nature. Re-connect with yourself.
Connect with all species, with all beings. How do they live? Observe. Connect with the flow of life. Realize you are a part of it. Nothing is permanent. All is in motion. All is connected, all is relative. Nothing exists in a vacuum. If you fully understand one part of life, truly, then all other stuff starts to make more sense as well. Start simple; start with the earth. Start with nature.
In all of this, do not seek an answer. The answer will come naturally. However, if this process does not give you an answer (but it will with practice) then think about what your hero would do. What would Gandhi do, say, or think. What would Nelson Mandela do, what would the Dalai Lama do, what would Byron Katie do, what would your dog do, what would a child do before it was taught fear, what would [whoever you think is wise and pure in his/her mind and actions] do?

2. Question your beliefs.
a. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Everyone that is involved in the matter that you are contemplating, deserves your attention. The 'terrorist', the politician, the 'victim', the bystander. One by one.

b. Watch them with an open mind: Let go of the perception that they must be either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. There are no enemies and no victims; only fellow earthlings. Let go of any mental story you may have about them. Just visualize their face and look them in the eyes. What do you see? Look at the (human) being behind your assumptions, concepts and judgments.What are their hopes, dreams, fears, motivations, desires? Can you imagine where they came from; what kind of life they may have had? See in which ways you are like them. What do you have in common? Have you had similar beliefs, hopes and dreams? Again, stop yourself from looking at the image in your mind as either good or bad. Just observe. And know that even now these images still exist only in your mind. They can exist nowhere else.

c. Look yourself in the eye (use a mirror, or imagine it). What are you feeling and believing in this matter? What are your hopes and dreams? What are you doing to yourself through your mental projections? And can you let go of the story you tell yourself about them in your mind? Consider the opposite of what you are believing. Could this be as true?

d. Where do your beliefs come from? Take them back to the roots. Who taught you this? And do they still make sense?

3. Let go.
Disconnect (mentally) from your story about yourself and the situation, your reflections, your thoughts, your feelings and contemplations. Do not push them away, but simply disengage; stop feeding into them and interacting with them in your mind. Disconnect from all the answers you came up with in the previous step. Disconnect from what it may have taught you. There is nothing to learn and nothing to remember. All you need to know is already present. It is waiting for you. It will shine through automatically when you let go of the rest.
Disconnect from what you were taught when you were younger and how you were raised. Disconnect from morals and opinions (they are not yours anyway; and if they are they will remain). Only what is true for you will remain. It does not require any effort. Conditioning requires effort. It requires maintaining through repetition. It requires memorizing. If you let go of all you think you know, then what will remain is all you need to know.
Letting go may require some practice.

For more information about freeing your mind, I highly recommend The Work of Byron Katie. Katie has taught me so much and I owe much of my progress in life to her.

Why I Don't Donate Money To Charity

I often get asked the question whether I donate money to charity. Many people seem to view this simple act as a sign or as proof that someone is a generous, loving person. If you don't donate to charity, people may label you as greedy, selfish or stingy. But there are several reasons why I, and many others with me, don't donate money to charity and none of them have anything to do with being an ungenerous person.

Here are some of my reasons. 

It is unclear where the money goes
When you make a donation to your favorite charity, it is often unclear what the money will be used for, especially if you are donating to a large organization. I don't like these vague structures, because then you never know if you made any difference and what kind of difference you made. You don't get any direct feedback. Therefore it can give you a -possibly false- sense of accomplishment when you made a relatively big donation, or a misguided sense of insignificance when you could only afford to donate a relatively small amount.
If, on the other hand, you donate your time, energy and skills to a particular cause instead of donating money (and not just in an organized sense but also in your daily lifestyle), then the results of your efforts are a lot more transparent. Often you see exactly what you have accomplished, which is a tangible reward for your efforts and a very important part of the 'exchange'. It is also what motivates most people to keep on giving, or something that can help you discover your giving nature if you haven't already. 

The use of money can have detrimental side-effects
A more recent additional reason for me not to donate money to charity is of course the moneyless lifestyle, as I am not spending any money on anything at the moment (with only a few exceptions). This new way of life has also given me a lot of insights. I no longer feel that I need money to make a big difference; in fact, there is more progress to be made by not paying for certain things. The only difference anyone can make is with their personal choices, in everything they do (including financial matters): the things we do and the things we choose not to do. All you need is an open mind and awareness to find out what is right for you in each situation.
Unfortunately, money can easily get in the way of this process of self-discovery. It can contribute to two of the most obstructive mindsets in the quest for freedom: entitlement and obligation. Entitlement can lead to destruction because you feel you have more right to something than others, and obligation can lead to destruction because you believe that you have no say in the choices you make and you have to do certain things just because others tell you to, or because others do the same things, or because someone thinks they have more right to make a decision about something than you do. Both mind-traps are equally dangerous, and these two mental constructs tend to go together in societies that are founded on principles of ownership. Unfortunately, this concept also seeps through in our personal relationships.

Money in itself is not a solution - Taking positive action is 
In the end, what any cause needs most is more people to support and live by its principles. No cause needs more money. Endangered species do not need our money. They need their habitats and they need to be left alone. They need to be protected from hunters who kill for profit. In order to have clean drinking water, we don't need more money. We need to consume less so that we pollute less. And we need to get back to nature so that we use water more sparingly and regain our appreciation of natural resources instead of taking them for granted.
I am not saying money is inherently bad; money is neither good nor bad. And I am sure that sometimes big things can be achieved with fundraising campaigns and collective financial efforts. But even then, in the end what matters most is the efforts and intentions of the individuals to set the goals and make them happen. I aspire to be one of those first and foremost. 

Conclusion
I am not saying that donating money to charity is a bad thing in and of itself and I might even start doing it myself someday. What I am saying is that your individual actions are your biggest contributions. The best way to change the world we live in is to start there. Become aware of what you are supporting with your spending habits, what you are contributing to through your lifestyle choices, and even what the consequences are of the beliefs and ideas you have about the world and other beings. This is where we can all make the biggest impact.

20 Creative Random Acts Of Kindness

Here are 20 Random Acts Of Kindness ideas that don't involve spending any money (at least not more than you would otherwise). These ideas help you to prioritize staying connected with others and making the most of your life. And as with all acts of kindness, they are great fun too!
Perhaps some of these can be included on your Bucket List for 2016.

1. Organize a ‘Free hugs’ event 

This one is so much fun! All you need is some FREE HUGS signs and then you just wait for people who are in need of a hug, somewhere in a busy part of town. It is one of the best ways to experience that giving and receiving are one and the same. It will make your day. And it is also a great way to meet cool people!

2. Donate things you no longer need to people who might need it

Give your stuff away online, give it to someone you know (perhaps you know someone who needs it more than you do) or bring it to a "Free Shop". If there is no free shop in your area yet, perhaps you can start one up. You only need to invest a few hours each week to run the 'shop' (which can also be in your garage or yard). Make sure everyone knows your 'trading times' and encourage everyone to bring stuff they no longer need and/or to come and browse around.

3. Pick up a hitchhiker

This one may be tricky if you don't have a car (like me), but remember it is also possible to give someone a lift on your bike, and even on foot (piggyback ride). This is yet another fun way to meet interesting people! 

4. Busking - and doing something good with the proceeds (if there are any)

Okay, so busking may not always be an act of kindness - depending on your skills... But it never hurts to try. So get out there and perform your favorite act in front of a random crowd and people may start throwing cash at you. If they do, you can use it to do something good in the community. For example, you can buy meals or healthy snacks for homeless people in the area, or you can donate the money to a local animal shelter.

5. Share your home with a couchsurfer

This is also a great way to meet new people (from all over the world) and make friends, all from the comfort of your own home! And if you share the most interesting things about yourself on your Couchsurfing profile, chances are you will attract like-minded people.

6. Volunteer your time at a local charity / organization

In most places there are plenty of opportunities for volunteering. Try homeless shelters, free shops, animal shelters, homes for the elderly, a zoo, the library, etc. Ask them when they need help most and be someone they can count on. It will be very much appreciated! It can be very difficult for organizations to find reliable volunteers, yet many depend on them for their survival.

7. Volunteer as a pet-sitter

Especially during the holidays. Many people who have pets have a hard time going anywhere (on holiday, on weekend trips, to conferences, ...), because it can be very difficult to find the right person (caring and responsible) to look after the pet and some places are just not very pet-friendly, so sometimes it is no option to bring them along either. So if you are able to help out, it will be much appreciated! You can offer your help online (e.g. on a Facebook forum) or respond to ads.

8. Plant a tree

This is a random act of kindness that benefits everyone and everything. And, it can be free too. Find out what type of tree grows in your area and how you can help them multiply and thrive. Sometimes they carry their seeds on them, which you can help spread by planting them at the right time and in the right way, while protecting them from animals that may eat the seeds. You may also be able to use some kind of division process. Given the right climate, you may also be able to grow a tree from food scraps, such as apple, lemon, mango, avocado, orange or olive. 
When you are not sure how to get started, remember: Google knows almost everything!

9. Give someone a genuine compliment

If you do this regularly, you will automatically start to look for things you appreciate about a person as soon as you meet them (whether you actually tell them or not). It is therefore a great way to practice unconditional love, acceptance and positivity. Of course you may not always be in the mood for this, and that's okay too.

10. Smile from the heart

How? Follow your passion. Do what you love. Follow your bliss. Do what makes your heart sing. Let your light shine bright. Walk in the forest. Enjoy the sunshine. Breathe in the sea air. And most of all: sloooowwww dowwwnnn.

11. Share food with someone: invite someone over for dinner

Dumpster dinners are the best! It is free, good for the earth and it can feed a lot of hungry people if you do it right.

12. Spread love & inspiration instead of fear & hate (e.g. on social media)

Take a good look at what you are sharing on Facebook and other social media. What is the "tone" of your posts? Is it spreading hate and fear or is it promoting love and inspiration?

13. Ask a stranger (or someone you don't know that well) if they are willing to share their life story with you

Everyone has an interesting story to tell. And knowing someone's story might help you understand them better. Commit yourself fully to listening; and you'll discover that listening is much more rewarding than talking. Ask questions. Try to put yourself in their shoes and find out exactly what life was (and is) like for them. Why did they make certain decisions? What were some life-changing events they have been through? What has made life worthwhile for them? What goals, hopes and dreams do they have for the future?

14. Pick up roadside litter
Instead of mentally complaining about how some people never pick up their trash, imagine that someone left this here just to give you the opportunity to do something good and to make a statement about who you are as a person (i.e. someone who cares about the environment). Maybe you were meant to walk by and see it so that you could pick it up. This mindset not only removes frustration, but it also reinforces the inner notion that you are the kind of person who enjoys looking after the earth, and that it is no big deal for you to pick up trash and put it where it belongs. And it feels good! Another good deed done.

15. Leave positive notes (with affirmations) for strangers

Such as in this video by DaveyWavey, where the message is: You are beautiful. Of course you can also leave notes for friends or your partner. Leave them a sweet, caring, thoughtful, loving note in an unexpected place at an unexpected time.

16. Believe in someone who doesn’t believe in themselves yet – including yourself

Having blind faith in yourself and others does not have to be connected to a certain outcome. In fact, it is much easier to believe in yourself when you detach of all possible outcomes and just trust that life will turn out just the way it should, and that (when you don't get in your own way) you will always do exactly what you need to do. Because life is exactly like that.

17. Give someone a back/neck/shoulder massage
Well... who needs a reason really? Massages are the best. But in case you need a reason: there are many health benefits of having regular massages. So that makes it a great gift to give someone you care about!

18. Organize a ceremony in a special location to celebrate a friendship

You can do this with your partner or with your best friend. The ceremony can be structured like a wedding ceremony, including friendship 'vows' / exchanges of appreciation and someone who reads out the 'vows'. See here for an example of 'vows'. Of course you can also use this time to reflect on wonderful memories and funny incidents you went through together.

I did this with my best friend Saskia in 2011. It was great fun! We both dressed up (well, compared to our standard "I-don't-care"-look) and went to the beach. This photo was taken just before the event:

19. Meditate, or organize a group meditation 

Just find a comfortable place in public where you can  meditate and put a sign nearby that reads something like:

“Meditation for love and peace in progress. Feel free to join for as long as you like. Just focus on your breathing and let go of everything else for a moment… ”

Then just meditate and allow people to come and go as they please. You can position meditation cushions around you to make it more inviting, or you can choose existing 'waiting areas' with seats already available, e.g. at train stations, airports, the tax office or other places that can have long (and boring) waits.

20. Write someone you love a letter of appreciation (or dedicate a post on Facebook to someone)

Tell them how they made a difference in your life. Telling someone how much difference they are making is one of the kindest and sweetest things you can do, because it instantly demonstrates life's purpose. And almost everyone goes through phases in their life where they fail to see that purpose for themselves, so it can be a a great reminder.

Conclusion: Have fun and enjoy life

Most of us (including me most of the time) take life way too seriously. Therefore it is important to remind yourself (and others) that it is important to have fun, in everything you do. The key to this is giving yourself the gift of time in the things you do. There is absolutely no need to rush through life - if you do you will miss out on all the good parts! And random acts of kindness are definitely some of the good parts.

The more you practice random acts of kindness, the less random they will become. It will become second nature to you over time and it will naturally slow you down: it will take the rush out of your life. Opportunities for kindness are life's pleasant interruptions that keep us in a state of awareness, joy and gratitude. And there are opportunities everywhere!

Enjoy.

The Balance of Masculine & Feminine Energies

Balance and flexibility are two of the most important ingredients for a successful and happy life. And identification (with concepts / labels) and rigidness can be obstacles that need to be overcome, or let go of, along the way. A simple example of a common concept that people can (sometimes rigidly) attach to is that of male and female, which can distort our capacity to tap into both masculine and feminine energies and takes us away from our inherent strength. If you can regain your flexibility and openness (and let go of rigidness and identification), then you can maintain your adaptability. And whoever has adaptability, has the biggest chance of survival in any kind of circumstance.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one that is most adaptable to change."   ~ Interpretation of Darwin's Origin of Species by Professor Leon C. Megginson

Different situations call for different responses. Sometimes life requires you to be tough, sometimes vulnerable. A lack of flexibility stops us from flowing with life. This is also an important reason why many societal structures and other regimes fail in the long run. They are created in a certain time period to satisfy a certain need at the time. But they fail to adapt to changing needs and circumstances, and usually long overstay their welcome (in the name of tradition) after they are no longer needed or useful. They may even become obstacles to the very purpose they were originally intended to serve.

My own process of identification and letting go

When I was a young girl growing up, many people described me as a tomboy: tough, bold, a little bit on the aggressive side, strong and independent (at least most of the time). This was the most effective way for me to be at the time, as school was an atrocious battleground from the very first day. I had to be tough. In that environment, kindness was a weakness without any rewards. The only rewards came from coldness and detachment: it allowed me to remain relatively untouchable. As I grew older and stayed in that same type of environment for more than ten years, I started to identify with that self-image and it became my 'behavioral set-point'. I lost touch with my 'softer side', which by then had become a scary, vulnerable place that I did not wish to explore. I did not see any benefit in it. I also didn't understand others who were more emotional than I was and saw them as weak and spineless. I lacked empathy and compassion, because I had given up on feelings.

It wasn't until I got older and after experiencing some serious long-term turbulence in my life, that I also started developing my softer, vulnerable and feminine side, but only because life forced me to do so. Life literally broke down the wall I had conveniently built around myself. (Life tends to do that.)

Now, after having experienced both energies very intensely for an extended period of time, I have come to see the beauty (and possible darkness) in each of them and I believe that having access to both energies and being flexible enough to live life with either one of them taking the lead depending on what life throws at you, is the most natural way to be, and a way to feel complete and balanced as a person. It happens naturally when you start to get comfortable in your own skin and stop caring about what other people think, want and do. And of course it helps if you stop comparing yourself to others.

Masculine and feminine energies

There are still many gender role expectations that put pressure on males and females to behave in a certain way, in accordance with what is culturally acceptable. We are conditioned to believe that we should only develop ourselves in gender-specific directions: females should develop their femininity, and males should develop their masculinity. Or sometimes, such as in my case, it is rather the circumstances that get someone to develop and identify with one side more so than the other. Both factors contribute to people holding themselves back from exploring and strengthening their complimentary energies and practicing flexibility.

When masculine energy is not balanced, or when it is forcefully displayed independent of external circumstance, a person can become closed-off, distant, indifferent, cruel, arrogant, superficial, over-analytical, violent, cold, selfish, remorseless, dominant and aggressive. When feminine energy is not balanced, the person can become weak, whiny, claiming, clingy, gossipy and blaming, helpless, victim-minded, manipulative, lacking initiative, passive-aggressive, demanding and overly sensitive (taking everything personally). However, when you are balanced, non-identified and flexible, and when you can tap into both qualities whenever the situation calls for them, then you can access and develop qualities like courage, presence, humanness, a grounded sense of unshakable self-confidence (because it is not about you), determination and purposefulness, compassion and love.

So let's celebrate people (men and women) who have the ability to tap into their feminine / emotional side, while remaining balanced. I appreciate your soft, loving, compassionate energy. I feel safe, taken care of and cherished when I am around you. I feel safe to express myself and I feel safe when I am around you. I am grateful for people who allow themselves to be open at all times and are able to share their feelings and experience heartfelt compassion. You teach me how to be vulnerable and stay strong, especially in the face of adversity. You show me what strength and freedom really mean: it is a balance of yes and no, with courage, passion and integrity as the core ingredients. You teach me how to deal with difficult people without getting into conflict. You teach me how to treat everyone with love and respect, and approach everyone with a basic understanding of their humanness and a natural acceptance of any perceived flaws. You show the world how to suspend judgment, or sometimes even refrain from judging someone or something altogether; not because you don't care, but because you care more about personal freedom and acceptance than about being right (and because you know that you never know the full story, even if you think you do). You remind me that strength has many faces, including vulnerability and the freedom of emotional expression, and that beauty has nothing to do with what a person looks like on the outside. You show me the depths of being and just how far-reaching love and compassion can be. You teach me about true wisdom, peace and unconditional love.

Also kudos to the people (men and women) who are in touch with their strong, masculine, protective side. You prompt me to remember my purpose in life, and give me the drive to overcome all the challenges I encounter. You teach me to never give up on my dreams, no matter what happens. You show me the power of NO and the importance of being principled and honorable in everything I do. My decisions and choices reflect who I am; they make all the difference. You teach me about personal responsibility; this is how I can change the world single-handedly (at times when there is no one to collaborate with). You inspire me to trust the universe: success will draw others in; it is only a matter of time.The ripples you create will affect everyone and everything around you, no matter what you choose to do in life; so make it count. You teach me that love is always free; and that true freedom encompasses all that matters. You teach me to think clearly and to express myself in an eloquent and precise matter, and why that is important. You show me what grounded confidence looks like: it is not about how great you feel about yourself, but about remaining balanced and having an unshakable groundedness about you, because you know that nothing is about you (nothing is personal). You show me how to stay clear-headed and not lose myself in the oceans of emotional turmoil. You remind me to stand by myself before anything else; to be my own best friend and sometimes even my only friend.

The energies complement each other: feminine energy gives depth and masculine energy brings action. This is why masculine energy without the feminine can seem superficial and cold (ungrounded) and feminine without masculine energy can cause others to lose themselves in the intricacies.

If you can maintain balance and flexibility (freedom from identification) and if you can see that no single thing is better than another (there are only differences); if you can go beyond form and tap into the universal energy source that contains all, then everything will fall into place. Separation disappears. Gender disappears. Right and wrong disappears. Black and white disappears. Everything melts into one. Let's celebrate our differences, because they offer us an opportunity to learn and expand and grow. And let's focus first and foremost on our similarities: what we all share and have in common. We truly are on big family. Not just humans, but all of life. Let’s stop pulling things apart that belong together. Let’s nurture our humanness and explore all of our strengths, removing all boundaries (and defenses) in the process.

We need more men (and women) to let boys know that it is uncool to act macho and we need more women (and men) to let girls know it is not self-serving (and very unsexy) to behave in a whiny and helpless manner. If we condone destructive behavior without any natural consequences, then we may be contributing to it. Love does not assist destructive forces. Not in oneself and not in others. This is different from condemnation: not assisting and not participating in behavior is much more powerful (and peaceful) than judgement and condemnation.

A new you is born in every moment. Allow, observe, relax, enjoy.

Life Goals And Relationships

This is a photo of my sweet, beautiful parents, who are still very much in love after many years together. Yes, I had a wonderful example of what a beautiful love relationship can be like. My parents support each other, no matter what hardships may come their way. They communicate openly about everything and so continue to learn and grow, in love and in life. They complement each other and bring out the best in each other (most of the time). And they make it seem so easy.

However, sustaining a long-term relationship hasn't been so easy for me (so far). I'd like to believe that this is because I approach life a little differently and some of my life decisions don't combine well with being in a long-term, committed relationship; largely because it involves a lot of travel, instabilities and uncertainties (and not everyone is up for that). Also, because modern standards of living haven't really worked for me, I had to reinvent my life quite a bit; tailoring it more to my personal needs (which is an ongoing process) and thereby choosing a path that is definitely not suitable for everyone. This reshaping of my life happened - and is still happening - through trial and error, with the help and inspiration of many others who live uncommon or even extraordinary lives. I feel I have come a long way now and have a much clearer vision of the future than before, as I am no longer tempted to fall back to the conventional way of life, not even as a backup plan. But I have come to realize that it takes a very special person to walk this path with me, and I will not settle for anything less. If that means I have to walk alone, then I will enjoy walking alone. And if not, then I will be open to that too. I trust that life will bring me what I need at the right time, as it has always done.

Of course like most people, I would love to find someone who brings out the best in me and  loves and accepts me for who I am in every way and every moment (and vice versa). Someone to (preferably) spend the rest of my life with. But for me, the success of a relationship is not measured by whether its longevity. Instead, I measure success by whether I learned from being in the relationship and by whether I am able to fully respect the other person's decisions and way of life while still staying true to my own path. This has made every relationship I have been a part of a valuable and illuminating experience.

So what are some important things I learned about relationships? How do you balance personal goals and being in a committed relationship without sacrificing your enjoyment of life? What if you are considering making substantial life changes, that are very important to maintaining your sanity, but may not fit with your partner's views and lifestyle? How do you know when a relationship has come to an end?

Life goals and relationships

Values and priorities
It can be very difficult to be in a relationship while you are still learning, growing and evolving, because your likes, dislikes, goals, values and priorities might shift and change all the time. Yet I have found that values (ideas about what matters to you) and priorities (how those ideas guide your actions) are at the core of any relationship. Having similar values can create a general atmosphere of mutual support and understanding, and it can be a strong foundation for the planning of a future together.
Being a person who is highly interested in personal growth has proven to be difficult for people around me who are not very flexible or not that open-minded, because I go through all kinds of experimental phases where I try out new things. My priorities have also changed quite a bit, but in recent years they have stabilized and I now have a pretty clear idea of what life is all about for me: Peace of mind is my highest priority (something I call inner freedom) and outer freedom (being surrounded by nature, having as little to do with society as possible, living a mostly self-sufficient lifestyle) is a close second. This brings clarity in my goals and the journey ahead.

Matching qualities
After figuring out your values and priorities (and accepting they might change over time), the next thing to ask yourself is what qualities in other people are a good match for you. What kind of person brings out the best in you? This could be qualities that you have as well, or qualities that complement yours in some way. But it is easier to start with finding similarities, because they make the differences much easier to overcome - and there will always be differences. In fact, it's the differences that make life most interesting and exciting.

Although it can be hard for anyone to find a suitable life partner, being a little bit different than the average person may give rise to some additional problems, which requires you and your partner to have (or develop) certain rare qualities, that are very valuable to have:
You will need someone in your life who is not afraid to go against the grain; someone who has a clear sense of self (an independent thinker) and no preconceived notions or negative (and wrong) assumptions about your lifestyle, or fears about what others may think about it. If these qualities are lacking, they can not be fully supportive of your lifestyle and your endeavors, which might slow you down and mute your passion - or even phase out your joie de vivre eventually. It also helps if the other person is open-minded, can think outside the box and is willing to try out new things.

If, in addition to having different ideas than most people, you are also quite strong-willed and have a convincing, enthusiastic personality, then there is the risk of unwittingly convincing others to go along with your lifestyle without them having fully thought it over.  So you and the other person need to be sufficiently in touch with themselves to be able to know where they stand. Sometimes it could be a matter of trying out this new way of life and seeing if it fits. However, some people may also just go along with what you are doing out of (temporary) curiosity, a lack of personal initiative, an inner emptiness (boredom), a fear of abandonment, a desire to please or simply as a way to avoid conflict or discussion, instead of out of an open-minded drive to explore and learn, or a shared sense of purpose. This could lead to all sorts of problems. So it helps when the other person already knows exactly what they want out of life.

Even more important than finding someone who knows what they want, is being someone who knows what they want. You need to be very clear about where you are going in life and what is important to you, because otherwise other people will fill in the blanks. Society will dictate your way of life, or your friends and family members (often with very good intentions) will tell you how you should live and what you should do. But it is not their life to live; it is yours.And the same is true for your partner. They may have different goals and dreams, and that is okay. They may still be compatible with yours.

When you are clear about what you want and don't want in life, then you can also communicate this clearly to others. And this is very important! How else can someone decide whether they want to accompany you on your journey? And how else can you be (reasonably) clear about what life with you will be like? To learn to communicate your feelings and needs in a clear and compassionate way, I recommend Non-Violent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg.

Of course I am not looking for an exact copy of myself, but some common ground is necessary so that both people feel understood, sufficiently supported, respected and fulfilled in the relationship. I don’t need someone who thinks exactly like me or does things in the exact same way as I do. However, what I do need is someone who knows what he wants in life (like me) and who shares some of the same core values, at least when it comes to relationships and life in general. For example, honesty, openness and commitment are important to me. Commitment can mean a lot of things, but for me it includes being monogamous, honest, open and being supportive of each other and of each other’s goals in life. I want to be with someone who knows what is important to him, and in life and relationships. Someone who is willing to stand up for what he believes in, especially if it is a little unconventional. It would be great if we share some interests or passions as well, at the very least a passion for nature, self-development and traveling / exploring.

Obviously, this is not a list of demands. It is a list of compatibility that was devised through trial and error; through life experience. So, through spending time with others and being in relationships, you learn what works for you and what doesn’t. You learn more about yourself and what’s important to you. I always let my heart make the decision whether to stay in a relationship or not, and even though breakups are never easy, I have never regretted any.
If your relationship prevents you from pursuing your joy, then perhaps it is time to get out. Same with a job: if a job prevents you from living your passion, then it is time to seriously reconsider. But you may need to figure out what you really want first; what really makes you come alive.

Live your passion
This doesn’t need to be anything spectacular. For me, it is simply spending time in awe of nature, exploring the most beautiful parts of the world and living life as freely as possible. At times I also feel mournful when admiring nature in its purest and most magnificent forms. I look at all the beauty and an overwhelming sense of sadness comes over me, because I know that humans are slowly destroying all this beauty, mostly without awareness. But then I remember that this beauty should be enjoyed, revered, and celebrated. In addition, because of my love of nature, I feel I should do everything in my power to serve and protect it. That is my mission. And it is mine alone, because I also believe in freedom; so others are free to choose a different path. I am not here to preach. I am here to live my truth. And if that inspires others, then that is all the better. Inspiration, which is a result of living with passion, is contagious; it resonates with others because it is what moves us on every level of our being. This is why I have decided to speak out through my blog. I hope everyone remembers why they are alive and chooses to live accordingly.

Saying goodbye and starting over
So if I notice that my partner has such different goals, different priorities, and different values from mine, to the point where I can no longer support his dreams like I support my own, then it may be time to walk away from the relationship. If I don't feel supported or I can no longer sufficiently support my partner due to a lack of understanding (and a lack of common ground), then it may be time to reconsider the relationship. And if this seems difficult, remember that if one person is not happy in the relationship, chances are that the other person is not happy either.

At this point in time I am not interested in starting a relationship before getting to know someone well enough to be able to know that I at least share some basic life goals or visions for the future with that person, and that we share some important qualities. And in the process of getting to know someone, I don’t just want the other person to tell me about themselves; I want to see their words reflected in their actions too. It is much easier to deduct people’s values and priorities from their actions than from their words. I wish I would have realized that sooner in life and that I had focused more on people’s actions than their words. People can have very strange views about themselves that have no basis in reality.

Friendship is the best starting point
Friendship is the best way to start a relationship. A relationship can be a great thing, if it makes me into a better person and takes my life to a higher level. If we can enjoy our mutual aliveness together and not constrict each other in any way. If we can love each other with a trust and freedom that knows no bounds. If we can even keep loving each other if it turns out that we both end up wanting different things in life and are moving in different directions. True love is free. True love is wanting the best for yourself and also (in equal measure) wanting the best for the other person. It is wanting what the other person wants for them, because you also want what you want for yourself. This is not selfish. It is selfish to choose differently. It is selfish to hold onto a relationship even though you don't really love and support each other fully anymore. Because when you are suffering, everyone around you suffers too. They will sense it. They will be affected. So follow your dreams, follow your passions. Communicate as clearly, authentically, openly and honestly as possible. And remember that love is free. And if you feel trapped in your current relationship, then the most loving thing you can do for yourself and the other person is to set yourself free.

Questions to assess your relationship
Here are some questions to assess your current relationship or a friendship that may have potential for more. See if you can give an honest and heartfelt 'yes' to the following questions:
- Do you have similar life goals? Or can your life goals be combined in some way?
- Do you at least support (and agree with) each other’s life goals, values and priorities?
- Do the person’s actions match their words? Do your own actions match your words?
- Do the person’s definitions of things that are important to you match with yours?
- Does the person bring out the best in you? How do you feel around them? What effect does their presence, their behavior, their mindset and their energy have on you?
- Can you communicate about everything openly and with ease?
- How ‘free’ is your love: Do you want what the other person wants for them, even if it is not necessarily producing the outcome you want? Do you support each other fully (within the relationship and in a wider context) in achieving personal life goals? Do you fully encourage them to pursue their dreams and make them into a reality?
- Are you proud of the other person? Are you grateful that you are together?
- Is your life enriched by the relationship? Does your life feel expanded?

If you answer yes to any of the following, your relationship may require some work or you may even decide that it is time to go your separate ways:
- Are you sacrificing your own integrity for the sake of being with the other person?
- Do you feel trapped in the relationship?
- Are you secretly sabotaging their dreams or holding them back in some way?
- Are you worried about what others may think about your partner or their actions, dreams, desires and life goals?
- Are there touchy subjects that seem to be a no-go in communication? Touchy areas may point to dissimilarities or to areas that need some work of acceptance and/or change, usually in the person who is resisting the communication.
- Do you resist communication on a number of important subjects? Why is that? (Are you willing to work on that or open up?)
- Do you expect (or even force) the other person to make certain life choices in order to be with you? If so, does the person support those choices? If not; reconsider if the other person really needs to make these changes to make the relationship work. If it is absolutely necessary but the other person doesn’t want to do it, then you may not be the best match for each other.
- Are you so attached to the idea of being with the other person that you ignore your innermost desires and follow them blindly?
- Or are you so attached to the idea of being with the other person that you want to change them to fit your description of 'the perfect partner', no matter what they want for themselves?
- Does your world feel constricted (instead of expanded) as a result of being in the relationship?

True Love is free
My most important ‘rule’ in any relationship is this: If doing or not doing something is important to me, then I must follow that. But if someone else feels they are pulled in a different direction, I will not stand in their way either. Everyone is free to choose. Personal freedom is very important to me, including being clear, open and honest about what I want and need in life. This encourages others to do the same, and it will give everyone involved a fair chance of getting their needs met. Being upfront about it will help attract the right kind of person into my life.
Relationships are most loving when experienced in the present moment, without expectations or pressures to stay together forever (although this may happen). If you get to a point where you are willing to lovingly let your partner go at any time if your own or their values change and you turn out to make each other miserable, then you are ready to truly let love flourish. In a state of non-attachment, we can embrace change and prioritize joy over convenience, and we will never be trapped. Life lived in this way may be difficult at times, but it will always allow you to expand and grow.

Why The World Needs Your Compassion

© Kathelijne Roosen

Every day, tragic events happen. An aircraft gets shot down, innocent people get murdered, a majestic lion gets killed… It reminds us we live in sad times, in a sick world where madness sometimes takes over and very gloomy things happen. It might even make you feel hopeless about the future of the world. What will become of us as a species? Will we ever learn to get along and leave each other be?

But what happens when we express this sadness? There are people who find this very frightening. They will say things like: What about all the people who died in <this/that> war? What about the people who die of starvation every day? What about all the animals that are killed in the bio-industry?
And yes, of course these are also very upsetting things. And sometimes the sadness of the world is simply overwhelming. But we can’t deal with sadness by comparing it with another event. That is just shifting our attention. We have to deal with our pain. Why is that so hard?

Some may even condemn others when they express their sadness about an issue. “What a weakling”, is something that might be said. What do you think such a comment does to the world? How does it contribute to a solution, or to a better world?

And then there are people who start to focus all of their anger on the person who caused the suffering, the ‘wrongdoer’. They may even get violent. They want to hunt him down, kill him, make him suffer for what he did. But can we really fight violence with violence? And if we choose to go down  that path, then what does that create more of in the world? Yes, more violence…

Well, how do we respond then, you may ask? The answer is compassion. First of all, compassion for ourselves. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Allow yourself to think what you are thinking. And keep the focus on yourself. Allow yourself the time to heal. It is not easy to welcome all this pain and letting it stay for a while, especially if it is very overwhelming at times, when a lot of things seem to happen that are difficult to understand. But if you allow it to be there, without judging it, without wanting things to be different, then it allows you an opportunity to transform yourself. And this also transforms the world. In fact, it is one of the most powerful things you can do for the world and other beings: go within and transform yourself, by making peace with the part of you that is suffering.

This post is for Cecil the lion. It is for the people who died in the 9/11 attacks. It is for all the people who were murdered recently in various events and circumstances. It is for the countless animals with no name, who are bred for food, mistreated and slaughtered on a daily basis, while their meat may even just end up in a dumpster. It is for the victims of the MH17 shooting. It is for the majestic trees that are cut down every day. It is for every living being; human, non-human, tree or plant, that lost their life through somebody’s greed, love of power, money, status or any other "reason".

But this post is also for the suffering individuals that do the damage. It is for the dentist who shot an innocent lion (and other beautiful beings). It is for the people who shot the plane. It is for the people who planned the 9/11 attacks. It is for the person who committed mass shootings. It is for people who abuse their pets. Can you imagine what pain they will suffer when they finally wake up to what they did? Can you imagine how hard it will be for them to live with themselves? Or perhaps they suffered a lot of pain in their lives themselves. So much so, that they have become numb to their own feelings, and the feelings of others.

Let’s not let that happen to us. Let us connect with our sadness if and when it comes up. Let us not condemn, fear or deny it. Not in ourselves and not in others. Let us not compare horrible events with other horrible events. None is more tragic than the other. They are all tragic. They are all unnecessary. Let us connect with the pain and allow it to heal, first of all within ourselves. Because what the world needs most, is our collective compassion.