Gratitude in Challenging Times: Everything Is A Gift

Many of us have had quite a turbulent year, and not just because of the pandemic. Of course it is easy to see the gifts in events and situations we evaluate as positive, but the biggest rewards come when we are able to see the gift in everything… EVERYTHING. This year has given most of us a particularly good opportunity to learn and practice this, and now we can reflect on this year and see if we can recognize the gift in all of it.

Challenges always have a gift
Being confronted with a challenging situation is always an opportunity. It offers you a choice in how you are going to deal with it or react to it, an opportunity to learn about yourself (to see who you are and how far you’ve come), and usually also an opportunity to give. And giving or responding with love is a gift to yourself as well.
Often we can see the gift of a tough situation in hindsight, but we can also train ourselves to see it in the moment. That was the focus of this year for me. Can I see the gifts life brings as it happens, as the events are unfolding? And it turns out, I can. Maybe not always instantly, but often not long after. And so can you.
If you are looking back on a grim year that had nothing to offer, think again. Make it a challenge to look back on the year and find the hidden gifts that were there all along. Look for the gift in each moment, especially the challenging moments. Stay present and in touch with your emotions – they can guide you like a compass. Look into the present. Really, look into it. Go deep. Fully open up to it. Where are you holding back? Where are you resisting? Where can you let go? If you fully surrender to the present moment, then you’re bound to find the gifts. You will find that life can never stop giving; it always gives to those who are open. Once you see it, it will be overwhelming. Can you handle it? Can you be open to it? Can you surrender to it? If you can and you do, then you will find only beauty, bliss and blessings.
This is the secret: you can only receive a gift in the moment if you are open to receiving all of them (in that same moment). So don’t close yourself off from the challenges life brings, because then you will also close yourself off from all the love and joy and fulfillment in those times you perceive as challenging. So if you are feeling depressed... what gifts are you missing?

Emotions each have their gift
We tend to see emotions as either negative or positive (and want only the positive), but they are neither. If we can get in touch with our emotional world, and stay connected with it without judging it or suppressing it, and without being overwhelmed by it nor dismissing it, we can always be peaceful, connected, balanced and even joyful. Emotions can be (and often should be) seen as separate from the triggers that seem to cause them; this is a way to observe them objectively and take in their message. Emotions keep you connected to your Self, and show you how to navigate through life, coming out stronger and more balanced. Emotions show us where personal growth, healing, or a shift in perspective are needed, or where we are resisting something or holding on too tightly. In combination with thought, they are a compass for finding our way. They always point us in the right direction, if we know how to listen.
Here are some emotions that some people would label as ‘negative’ and the gifts they bring:

• Anger: Anger is a sign that someone has crossed your boundaries, or (most likely) that you have crossed your own boundaries in some way (like not listening to the signals of other emotions, or doing things for others just because you feel like you have to in order to get accepted by them). It can also be an attempt to suppress a (seemingly) more painful emotion such as sadness, and an attempt to experience a (false) sense of control over it. Anger can help you set boundaries, be assertive, communicate your needs, or be a sign that you lost touch with some suffering underneath the surface. In that case, try to slow down and find the pain that is hidden underneath.
  

• Sadness and grief: Urge you to slow down and take notice of the pain, and to direct healing to where it is necessary. It urges us to look after ourselves and engage in self-care. Sadness is an exercise in healthy self-love. It also shows you that you care, and it can easily transform into gratitude if fully felt/experienced.

• Worry/Stress: This is a chance for you to do a reality check: are my worries realistic? What evidence is there that these thoughts are true? What evidence is there that they are not true? What would I tell someone I loved if they were in this situation and had these thoughts? In this situation, what is the worst that could happen? In this situation, what is the best thing that could happen? Are these thoughts hindering me in major ways in my life, preventing me to achieve or pursue things that are important to me and/or could bring me a (deeper) sense of fulfillment? Asking yourself these questions can help you determine whether it is best to avoid the situation, or develop a skill and/or courage to overcome your limiting beliefs. Usually, working to overcome your limiting beliefs is the best choice of action here, because you can always avoid the situation later if you still feel the same about it afterwards! But then at least you are not avoiding it out of fear or worry, and you can make a more balanced decision. Fear, worry and stress often cloud our judgment and when left unchecked might make us (not) do things that we'll regret later (sometimes many years later). Recurring worries might indicate that you need to let go of the need for a secure future. There is no such thing! Worry and stress can also be signs that you would benefit from some serious self-care strategies: get some rest, read a book, take a break. The world often looks much brighter after a good night's sleep!
  

• Guilt: Guilt is a sign that we have done something that is in conflict with our own values. If you see it as something that can guide you to be a better person or to set things right, then things will turn back into balance very quickly. And it will feel really good! Guilt can help us stay true to ourselves and move through life with integrity. Setting things right, or following our moral compass to begin with, will give us a strong sense of self-respect. And if you feel like you've lost your way... it's never too late to set things right and start over!
  

• Fear: Fear can be an alert to danger. However, most of our fears are imagined and irrational. Overcoming our fears can give us confidence and courage, and make us more complete and balanced as human beings. When fears are not adequately, objectively and thoroughly explored, it can lead to many reinforcing thoughts where we end up scaring ourselves and sustaining the problem by avoiding confrontation. So make sure to apply the reality check, find the roots of your fears, and pull them out like weeds (see also the worry/stress part). Emotions that result from thought are never pure, and as you get more in touch with your emotional world, you will learn to see the difference more and more clearly and quickly.
  

The gifts of (lost) romantic love

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

I lost two romantic relationships this year, one at the beginning of the year and one at the very end. The first one ended because it had reached its natural expiration date - and so it was a relief when it ended. The latter was much harder to deal with, even though it lasted for a shorter time, because I didn't (and still don't) understand why it had to end. It feels like I have waited my whole life for the kind of connection we had (and to some degree still have), only to find that it is out of my reach...

When romantic love is lost untimely, it hurts. But something beautiful can happen when we stay in touch with our pain in that moment. Be thankful for the pain as well as the beautiful moments you shared together and the joy it brought to your life (which is probably still there to some extend). You can’t exclude one without excluding the other; the only way is to fully, wholeheartedly be open to both. Stay in touch with yourself; hold yourself. Take this opportunity to see that you can handle the pain; that there is no need to be afraid of it. That you can stay open and connected to yourself (and by extension, to others also), now and in the future. And notice that, when you experience it in this way (i.e. feeling the empowerment in your own vulnerability, without resistance to the pain and without wallowing in it - staying in touch with both the joy and the pain in a balanced way), they merge. This is what some call (universal) Love, which is much greater than romantic love. And in that place, when fully embraced, all pain vanishes and/or transforms, leaving you just with a full heart, overflowing with Love and gratitude.

Also, lost love is an illusion. Heartbreak is an illusion. For you can never lose the love you felt (even though it feels that way sometimes, especially when our gift of love is not received or reciprocated by the other person), because the love you felt for him or her was never theirs; it was yours. It originated from you and will stay with you, and you can always choose to continue feeling/giving it (silently or expressed); there is no reason to stop the flow of love unless we want to punish ourselves. And staying in touch with your love, the love you feel, also doesn't prevent you from saying goodbye if that is what you need to do. Love can be felt in any situation, whether from a distance or up close. The love you feel is your gift to the world. There is no way you can lose it, but the only way to feel it and be aware of it is to give it away / let it flow through you freely (as universal love, in its many forms). 

Don't limit yourself to feeling and expressing love only in a romantic relationship. Try to experience love and caring and appreciation (for yourself and others and nature) in everything you do. Love is still with(in) you; so share it, feel it and enjoy it. Whether others receive your gift of Love is their business, but really it doesn't matter, because just the act of giving is always a gift to yourself first. If you can find someone who appreciates your gift and is as open to (giving and receiving) it as you are, even better: after all, most things are better when they are shared. And don't be surprised if your gift of love (whether silently experienced or expressed) inspires others to open up in response. So don’t allow the world to extinguish your flame; instead, shine your light on the world and allow it to transform all (within and without) as a result.

Trust that life will have gifts to offer no matter what happens in the future, and let go of the need for security (definite answers) or wanting to control outcomes. Also, accept the past, as we can't change it. In other words, surrender to the present moment. That is the key to receiving its many gifts.

In one of my next posts I will outline some specific tools that I use for working through emotions and staying in touch with my true (loving) nature.

The Benefits of Fasting

What better time to fast than right after Christmas? Or even DURING Christmas for the warriors among us! :)

There are so many benefits to fasting, and in many cultures and traditions it is a recurring part of life, and for good reason. I try to fast at least once a year for a couple of days, although lately I have been fasting more regularly due to the often large amounts of food I get exposed to, which are not always the most healthy. That is in fact the only downside of dumpster diving: it comes with lots of temptations, and it requires high levels of self-control and discipline to not get carried away at least once in a while.

There are many different types of fasting, but my favorite routine goes something like this:
I drink a cup of warm (not hot - for the sake of vitamins) herbal tea twice a day (morning and evening), which I supplement with home-made multivitamin tinctures, I drink fruit juices during the day (freshly made or bottled), and (optional) I eat some fruit and/or light vegetables in the evening. That's it! I usually start by including the fruit and veg in the evening and after a day or two I feel ready to skip that as well.

The benefits of fasting are numerous: You feel more energetic, it improves blood circulation, you feel (and are) more productive and you cleanse your body and mind on the deepest possible level. Combine it with meditation, some light daily stretching or yoga and breathing exercises, and it will be the best thing you can do for your health.

If you fast this way, you can probably keep it going for a long time (even a couple of months if you feel that you need to), but of course always listen to your body. Every body is different. And ALWAYS supplement with natural vitamins and minerals, preferably in liquid form (not the usual cheap supplements from the store). Best to make your own so that you know what's in it! And when you do feel like eating again, make sure it is something healthy and build up again slowly.

 Here's to a healthy 2018 for everyone! :)

Free Your Mind

What if people were taught to think for themselves instead of obeying others and following orders? What if we would trust our own inner guidance rather than blindly follow some stranger that happens to be recognized as a ‘leader’? What if every human being would go on their own quest for truth and wisdom before speaking out about any issue? What if we would listen to each other with respect and reason instead of fear and a determination to be right, so that we could really hear each other and learn from each other while keeping our minds and hearts open at all times? What if we would stop forcing others to think the way we were taught to think, and try to look at the world from someone else’s point of view, to see if perhaps it could start to make sense?

Un-free (=conditioned, or some might say 'brainwashed') thinking usually triggers discomfort. It feels uncomfortable, because it may not be true for you, even though you were taught to think this way. It can create inner and outer conflicts, because it doesn't make sense. To find out what is true for you, perhaps the following process may prove useful to you. It has helped me gain clarity on many occasions.

1. Find a quiet space, without any distractions.
Get away from noise. Get away from people, and others' opinions. Find a quiet place in nature, where you can freely reflect without getting disturbed, for as long as necessary. Switch off your phone. Connect with nature. Re-connect with yourself.
Connect with all species, with all beings. How do they live? Observe. Connect with the flow of life. Realize you are a part of it. Nothing is permanent. All is in motion. All is connected, all is relative. Nothing exists in a vacuum. If you fully understand one part of life, truly, then all other stuff starts to make more sense as well. Start simple; start with the earth. Start with nature.
In all of this, do not seek an answer. The answer will come naturally. However, if this process does not give you an answer (but it will with practice) then think about what your hero would do. What would Gandhi do, say, or think. What would Nelson Mandela do, what would the Dalai Lama do, what would Byron Katie do, what would your dog do, what would a child do before it was taught fear, what would [whoever you think is wise and pure in his/her mind and actions] do?

2. Question your beliefs.
a. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Everyone that is involved in the matter that you are contemplating, deserves your attention. The 'terrorist', the politician, the 'victim', the bystander. One by one.

b. Watch them with an open mind: Let go of the perception that they must be either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. There are no enemies and no victims; only fellow earthlings. Let go of any mental story you may have about them. Just visualize their face and look them in the eyes. What do you see? Look at the (human) being behind your assumptions, concepts and judgments.What are their hopes, dreams, fears, motivations, desires? Can you imagine where they came from; what kind of life they may have had? See in which ways you are like them. What do you have in common? Have you had similar beliefs, hopes and dreams? Again, stop yourself from looking at the image in your mind as either good or bad. Just observe. And know that even now these images still exist only in your mind. They can exist nowhere else.

c. Look yourself in the eye (use a mirror, or imagine it). What are you feeling and believing in this matter? What are your hopes and dreams? What are you doing to yourself through your mental projections? And can you let go of the story you tell yourself about them in your mind? Consider the opposite of what you are believing. Could this be as true?

d. Where do your beliefs come from? Take them back to the roots. Who taught you this? And do they still make sense?

3. Let go.
Disconnect (mentally) from your story about yourself and the situation, your reflections, your thoughts, your feelings and contemplations. Do not push them away, but simply disengage; stop feeding into them and interacting with them in your mind. Disconnect from all the answers you came up with in the previous step. Disconnect from what it may have taught you. There is nothing to learn and nothing to remember. All you need to know is already present. It is waiting for you. It will shine through automatically when you let go of the rest.
Disconnect from what you were taught when you were younger and how you were raised. Disconnect from morals and opinions (they are not yours anyway; and if they are they will remain). Only what is true for you will remain. It does not require any effort. Conditioning requires effort. It requires maintaining through repetition. It requires memorizing. If you let go of all you think you know, then what will remain is all you need to know.
Letting go may require some practice.

For more information about freeing your mind, I highly recommend The Work of Byron Katie. Katie has taught me so much and I owe much of my progress in life to her.

Reclaim Your Health By Banning Stress

Stress is one of the biggest contributors to illness. It creates a constant strain in the body. You may eventually get used to the sensations of stress, but that doesn't make the effects less harmful. Especially over time, stress can lead to serious health problems.

Some people seem to think that it is impossible to ban stress from their lives. To them, stress is something that is just part of life and is naturally connected to certain life events. They implement 'stress management strategies' that make up for stressful times, and counteract or balance the effects of stressful life events. And while management of stress is very important, especially if you are in the middle of a struggle, it can also be sensible to look beyond this and ask yourself if it is possible to ban stress altogether.

If we just look at the way that different people respond to a potentially stressful situation, we can conclude that stress is not necessary at all. Stress is the result of a certain mindset that supports unhelpful thought- or behavioral patterns; it is something that is learned by a repeated sense of pressure, obligation and (self-)indoctrination. But since everyone is in charge of their own mind, each of us can also unlearn this stress-response by learning to recognize the 'causes' and unlearning the habitual structures that keep them in place.

So, what causes stress?

There are a few important habitual contributors (patterns) I would like to discuss here with some suggestions for how to overcome them. These observations come from personal experience with many 'potentially-stressful' life events, years of Mindfulness practice, working as a psychologist, and the regular practice of meditation and letting go. 

Causes of stress:

Identifying with (or repressing) emotions rather than letting them be
Whether it is anger, sadness, fear, jealousy, or any other negatively perceived emotion; if we allow the emotions to take over, then that could lead to a very stressful experience. It also paves the way for future stress, because you condition yourself to identify with your emotions. Repressing emotions is even worse and causes more damage because it has a cumulative effect.
Solution: See your emotions for what they are: Waves that come and go and nothing to be afraid of. Remind yourself that they will pass. Just let them stay for as long as they do without attaching to them (indulging in them) or repressing them.
If you need help with this, I can recommend the Sedona method or Vipassana meditation (learning to be the observer of your mind, with non-attachment and equanimity). Focusing practice can get you more in touch with feelings, if that seems difficult. And if there is a lot of built-up stress stored in the body already, then doing a body scan meditation regularly can be useful.

Habitually reacting to everything (usually impulsively) rather than giving yourself the space to deliberate and reflect
You don't always have to react to a situation instantly (or even at all), especially if you feel pressured to do so. This felt pressure often leads to a lack of clarity, so then it can be better to postpone your response. You may even decide not to react to something at all, even after deliberation, because it may simply not be worth your energy or time. Also, it helps to keep in mind that you never owe anyone an explanation. If you say 'no' to a request, then you don't need to apologize or even tell the person why you said no. And you always have the option to think about it first, rather than letting the pressure get to you and run the risk of reacting from a place of inauthenticity.
For example, if someone asks you to do something and you feel a huge resistance, it is a good idea to postpone your response, to let the feeling pass and then respond from a more balanced (and therefore more authentic) frame of mind. After all, you don't always have to react straight away. This way you can create space for yourself to follow your inner guide. This is especially useful if you have a tendency of wanting to please others, sometimes to your own detriment. If the person still insists on wanting an answer, then the answer will be 'no', because at that moment it does not feel right to you. So it is also in their best interest to give you space. And of course you always have the freedom to change your mind later. But if your response comes from an authentic place, then you won't have to.
So it is good to keep in mind that in addition to all the options you have to respond to a situation or to a person, you can also choose not to react to it, or at least give yourself time to respond. Vipassana meditation is perfect training to teach yourself this option and to experience the power that comes from non-reaction.

Moving away from control rather than staying within your power
That means: don't try to change others, such as their thinking or their behaviors. Always start with yourself. After all, you can always change yourself, and you have full control in that domain. And if you change yourself (thoughts, behavior, or attitude), then other people may change automatically (especially if you no longer need them to change). A lot of energy is lost for people who constantly worry/fantasize about what other people may want, how they feel about others, or how they can influence others in some way. And even more energy is wasted by planning future events, worrying about what may or may not happen, ruminating over the past, and chasing air (such as seeking love, happiness, security, or enlightenment; none of which can be found while in seeking mode).
So as soon as you notice yourself getting into battles of right and wrong with someone, or trying to force change upon others instead of inspire change, then you know that you have left your space of power. Byron Katie clarifies this point nicely: she distinguishes three kinds of business: your own, others' and the universe's business. So make sure you don't waste your time on any other type of business than your own. That is all you can do. And the less time you waste, the more energy you will have to do your part. You can focus all your attention on doing what matters. This is what will change lives. The ripples that come from this are the only thing that can change the world.
Non-attachment and feeling secure within yourself is key here. Stop seeking and be open to finding. You'll be amazed of what is already here and what comes to you without any effort if you stop chasing air and wasting time on external factors that drain your energy. One way to do this is by making freedom a priority. Choosing freedom for myself and others as a highest priority is one of the best decisions I ever made for my life.

Judging yourself and judging others rather than practicing acceptance
Judging yourself or others is a great way to stop connecting with someone on a soul-level and a great way to get yourself on the road to objectification and condemnation. If you find yourself being critical of others all the time, then it may be helpful to learn to let go of this in order to connect with others in a more fulfilling and meaningful way, which will eradicate the stress that comes along with it. Here are some guidelines:
1. Remind yourself that you may have misunderstood their intention. Also, moments and moods change if we don't hang on to them. So if you let go of what others said or did, it is also more likely that they shift their perspectives, because you keep them free of your labels, which can be just another obstacle they need to overcome before they feel they can change their mind. So give them space and give them time. Provide an atmosphere of acceptance without sacrificing yourself (=your own needs).
2. Try to see the world through their eyes. Imagine how difficult their life must be. See their struggle.
3. Remind yourself that they are doing the best they can, as you are.
4. Have compassion for yourself and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Know it will pass.
5. Postpone any outward response if you are triggered. Allow life to unfold before making judgments. You never know the full story and thus are in no position to judge.
6. Know that you are free to move on. You don't have to keep this person in your life if it doesn't feel right. Some people are just not a great match and they bring out the worst in each other. If you have observed that this is the case, then moving on is a graceful thing you can do that will be a gift to everyone involved.
7. And last but not least: don't take it personally. Everyone is fighting their own battle. It has very little to do with you, other than that you may be able to assist them in some way on their journey and they may be able to assist you.
The Work by Byron Katie can really help you dig deeper if you have a habit of judging others and if you want to cultivate compassion, and move back into your own power.

Should-ing yourself (and others) rather than prioritizing freedom
Another thing you can do to ban stress is to stop 'should'-ing. Shoulds often have a lot to do with the obligations we feel towards other people. This doesn't mean that you can no longer challenge yourself; it can be very fun and rewarding to do so. In fact for me, challenging myself is one of my core needs. It allows me to grow and explore. But it is always an expansive experience rather than a constricting one. It also has nothing to do with other people and doesn't require others to make any changes in their behavior towards me. So my challenges are a way to stretch myself beyond my perceived limits, rather than a rulebook of things I can no longer do or enjoy (or a rulebook of how others should behave around me).
Shoulds inhibit personal freedom. It makes you feel like you have no choice but to obey 'the rules'. Most countries have their own set of shoulds, and there are also some universal ones. This constricting effect on freedom is also a reason I am not a fan of social conventions, etiquette, certain traditions and (other) rules that restrict spontaneity. If followed too rigidly, they tend to take us out of presence, inhibit our natural flow, sincerity and openheartedness, make us self-conscious and just generally make everyone feel awkward and repressed. I am also not against these societal structures, but I prefer to see them as guidelines (coulds) rather than rules (shoulds).
You can let go of shoulds by deciding to, no longer caring what other people think of you for failing to conform and doing what you feel is right in each moment. If you are not a rebel by nature, it may help to take it step by step. To build a solid foundation for your practice, it can help to avoid all settings that are riddled with rules and expectations for a while, or any people, places or things that make you feel like you 'should' do things in a certain way. This can be friendships, the workplace, family gatherings, etc. Learning to break the rules (with consideration for others), will take you beyond the limits of social expectations and save you a lot of stress in the process.

Living in the past rather than celebrating the present
If you are obsessed with the past and find yourself thinking about it a lot, then it is impossible to stay present. And presence is key to overcoming the stressful mindset.
Solution: Make peace with your past. You can choose to let go and start afresh. Allow the things that happened to you to integrate and become part of you. Breathe into your experiences and see how they enriched you. If you feel violated by your experiences, see what steps you can take to step back into your power. It is still there. It is impossible to break a soul; it is untouchable.
If you need help letting go of the past, I recommend EMDR for traumatic experiences (things that happened in the past that you keep thinking about on a regular basis and associate with negative feelings), EFT (tapping), or Vipassana meditation (staying present). If forgiveness is the main issue, I recommend a process that is called PPP (Positive Psychological Programming), where you let go of your emotions step by step. If you need more information about this process, feel free to get in touch. For trauma, EMDR is amazingly effective, which I have personally experienced for myself and with others on several occasions. Just a few sessions can be enough to overcome a lifelong trauma (although more may be needed if the trauma is more complex or severe).

Living in the future rather than savoring the now
You may have a habit of worrying about future events all the time. This is a very good way to spoil the present moment and prevent yourself from enjoying anything wonderful. And this is sad, because life is generally wonderful (even in the presence of fear, sadness and anger).
Just the fact that you are alive today tells me the universe is looking after you. Trust that all will be well and that life will bring you exactly what you need at the right time. Because it does. Just allow life to unfold. Stop wanting to take control (because you can't). Just do what you feel you need or want to do. Let yourself flow with ease.
If you need help with letting go of future worries, I recommend any type of meditation, yoga, going for walks in nature, and any other activities that have a relaxing/grounding effect on you and allow you to flow with what is, right here, right now.

Dismissing your own needs rather than taking care of yourself
Last but not least, it is important to look after your needs and to do what you can to fulfill those needs. This doesn't have much to do with (e.g. work/life) balance (which is what stress-management is often about), but more so with awareness and flexibility. Since we are all different, it is likely that we all need different types of input and outlets. And these may also change and vary over time. For example, it might be that at times you don't need to spend much time with friends or hobbies, because you get enough fulfillment elsewhere. Some people may also have more energy than others, so they may seek to experience more. Others may need to reflect on life more often, so they may spend more time alone than others. And certain life events may also lead you to need more alone-time. So it is important to get in touch with what feels right to you and to share/communicate your needs with others. If it is somehow impossible to get a certain need met, then allow yourself the space to feel that too. If you continue to practice this and look after your needs, you will see that you will have a lot more to give to others.
So, looking after your needs is not a selfish act. It will make you a much more pleasant person to be around. People will want to know your secret. Also, many of our needs have to do with connection and giving to others, so if you continue to look after and fulfill your needs, you will also (most likely) spend more time helping and connecting with others.
If you need some more guidance with finding out what your needs are or how to express them to others, I fully recommend Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication Training Course, which is available online.

Finally, some general guidelines:

- Keep an open mind. Stop defining yourself by your past. Let go of self-labels and stop labeling others, things and events. Treat others as free souls who can change; because you can too. Be open to change. Flow with life.
- Surround yourself by the right people: people who are supportive and accepting of you. If you don't know any at this moment, then it may be best to spend more time alone for a while. Practice self-acceptance. Explore your strengths and build on those.
- Trust the universe. Your path is taken care of. Everything that should happen, will happen. You don't have to plan anything to reach your destination. You only need to focus on doing what matters right now.
- Stay present: Past and future are not your concern. Not now, not ever. They don't exist.
- Stay connected to yourself in each moment.
- Connect with others on a soul-level. See others as enlightened and be open to learn from the experience of being around them.
- Focus more on similarities with others instead of differences.
- Transcend your emotions: this will allow you to connect with love and gratitude, which surrounds us all the time. Learn to tap into that.
- Have patience with others. There is nothing you need from them. You have everything you need in this moment.
- Get a sense of humor and stop taking life so seriously. Your life is meant to be enjoyed.
- Provide yourself with enriching experiences. Follow your heart and follow your dreams. Don't hold back. You only live this life once. Don't let it pass you by. Do what you love and love what you do.
- Focus on one thing at a time. Lack of focus will inhibit integration of experience. Integration of experience is what brings peace of mind.

Life Goals And Relationships

This is a photo of my sweet, beautiful parents, who are still very much in love after many years together. Yes, I had a wonderful example of what a beautiful love relationship can be like. My parents support each other, no matter what hardships may come their way. They communicate openly about everything and so continue to learn and grow, in love and in life. They complement each other and bring out the best in each other (most of the time). And they make it seem so easy.

However, sustaining a long-term relationship hasn't been so easy for me (so far). I'd like to believe that this is because I approach life a little differently and some of my life decisions don't combine well with being in a long-term, committed relationship; largely because it involves a lot of travel, instabilities and uncertainties (and not everyone is up for that). Also, because modern standards of living haven't really worked for me, I had to reinvent my life quite a bit; tailoring it more to my personal needs (which is an ongoing process) and thereby choosing a path that is definitely not suitable for everyone. This reshaping of my life happened - and is still happening - through trial and error, with the help and inspiration of many others who live uncommon or even extraordinary lives. I feel I have come a long way now and have a much clearer vision of the future than before, as I am no longer tempted to fall back to the conventional way of life, not even as a backup plan. But I have come to realize that it takes a very special person to walk this path with me, and I will not settle for anything less. If that means I have to walk alone, then I will enjoy walking alone. And if not, then I will be open to that too. I trust that life will bring me what I need at the right time, as it has always done.

Of course like most people, I would love to find someone who brings out the best in me and  loves and accepts me for who I am in every way and every moment (and vice versa). Someone to (preferably) spend the rest of my life with. But for me, the success of a relationship is not measured by whether its longevity. Instead, I measure success by whether I learned from being in the relationship and by whether I am able to fully respect the other person's decisions and way of life while still staying true to my own path. This has made every relationship I have been a part of a valuable and illuminating experience.

So what are some important things I learned about relationships? How do you balance personal goals and being in a committed relationship without sacrificing your enjoyment of life? What if you are considering making substantial life changes, that are very important to maintaining your sanity, but may not fit with your partner's views and lifestyle? How do you know when a relationship has come to an end?

Life goals and relationships

Values and priorities
It can be very difficult to be in a relationship while you are still learning, growing and evolving, because your likes, dislikes, goals, values and priorities might shift and change all the time. Yet I have found that values (ideas about what matters to you) and priorities (how those ideas guide your actions) are at the core of any relationship. Having similar values can create a general atmosphere of mutual support and understanding, and it can be a strong foundation for the planning of a future together.
Being a person who is highly interested in personal growth has proven to be difficult for people around me who are not very flexible or not that open-minded, because I go through all kinds of experimental phases where I try out new things. My priorities have also changed quite a bit, but in recent years they have stabilized and I now have a pretty clear idea of what life is all about for me: Peace of mind is my highest priority (something I call inner freedom) and outer freedom (being surrounded by nature, having as little to do with society as possible, living a mostly self-sufficient lifestyle) is a close second. This brings clarity in my goals and the journey ahead.

Matching qualities
After figuring out your values and priorities (and accepting they might change over time), the next thing to ask yourself is what qualities in other people are a good match for you. What kind of person brings out the best in you? This could be qualities that you have as well, or qualities that complement yours in some way. But it is easier to start with finding similarities, because they make the differences much easier to overcome - and there will always be differences. In fact, it's the differences that make life most interesting and exciting.

Although it can be hard for anyone to find a suitable life partner, being a little bit different than the average person may give rise to some additional problems, which requires you and your partner to have (or develop) certain rare qualities, that are very valuable to have:
You will need someone in your life who is not afraid to go against the grain; someone who has a clear sense of self (an independent thinker) and no preconceived notions or negative (and wrong) assumptions about your lifestyle, or fears about what others may think about it. If these qualities are lacking, they can not be fully supportive of your lifestyle and your endeavors, which might slow you down and mute your passion - or even phase out your joie de vivre eventually. It also helps if the other person is open-minded, can think outside the box and is willing to try out new things.

If, in addition to having different ideas than most people, you are also quite strong-willed and have a convincing, enthusiastic personality, then there is the risk of unwittingly convincing others to go along with your lifestyle without them having fully thought it over.  So you and the other person need to be sufficiently in touch with themselves to be able to know where they stand. Sometimes it could be a matter of trying out this new way of life and seeing if it fits. However, some people may also just go along with what you are doing out of (temporary) curiosity, a lack of personal initiative, an inner emptiness (boredom), a fear of abandonment, a desire to please or simply as a way to avoid conflict or discussion, instead of out of an open-minded drive to explore and learn, or a shared sense of purpose. This could lead to all sorts of problems. So it helps when the other person already knows exactly what they want out of life.

Even more important than finding someone who knows what they want, is being someone who knows what they want. You need to be very clear about where you are going in life and what is important to you, because otherwise other people will fill in the blanks. Society will dictate your way of life, or your friends and family members (often with very good intentions) will tell you how you should live and what you should do. But it is not their life to live; it is yours.And the same is true for your partner. They may have different goals and dreams, and that is okay. They may still be compatible with yours.

When you are clear about what you want and don't want in life, then you can also communicate this clearly to others. And this is very important! How else can someone decide whether they want to accompany you on your journey? And how else can you be (reasonably) clear about what life with you will be like? To learn to communicate your feelings and needs in a clear and compassionate way, I recommend Non-Violent Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg.

Of course I am not looking for an exact copy of myself, but some common ground is necessary so that both people feel understood, sufficiently supported, respected and fulfilled in the relationship. I don’t need someone who thinks exactly like me or does things in the exact same way as I do. However, what I do need is someone who knows what he wants in life (like me) and who shares some of the same core values, at least when it comes to relationships and life in general. For example, honesty, openness and commitment are important to me. Commitment can mean a lot of things, but for me it includes being monogamous, honest, open and being supportive of each other and of each other’s goals in life. I want to be with someone who knows what is important to him, and in life and relationships. Someone who is willing to stand up for what he believes in, especially if it is a little unconventional. It would be great if we share some interests or passions as well, at the very least a passion for nature, self-development and traveling / exploring.

Obviously, this is not a list of demands. It is a list of compatibility that was devised through trial and error; through life experience. So, through spending time with others and being in relationships, you learn what works for you and what doesn’t. You learn more about yourself and what’s important to you. I always let my heart make the decision whether to stay in a relationship or not, and even though breakups are never easy, I have never regretted any.
If your relationship prevents you from pursuing your joy, then perhaps it is time to get out. Same with a job: if a job prevents you from living your passion, then it is time to seriously reconsider. But you may need to figure out what you really want first; what really makes you come alive.

Live your passion
This doesn’t need to be anything spectacular. For me, it is simply spending time in awe of nature, exploring the most beautiful parts of the world and living life as freely as possible. At times I also feel mournful when admiring nature in its purest and most magnificent forms. I look at all the beauty and an overwhelming sense of sadness comes over me, because I know that humans are slowly destroying all this beauty, mostly without awareness. But then I remember that this beauty should be enjoyed, revered, and celebrated. In addition, because of my love of nature, I feel I should do everything in my power to serve and protect it. That is my mission. And it is mine alone, because I also believe in freedom; so others are free to choose a different path. I am not here to preach. I am here to live my truth. And if that inspires others, then that is all the better. Inspiration, which is a result of living with passion, is contagious; it resonates with others because it is what moves us on every level of our being. This is why I have decided to speak out through my blog. I hope everyone remembers why they are alive and chooses to live accordingly.

Saying goodbye and starting over
So if I notice that my partner has such different goals, different priorities, and different values from mine, to the point where I can no longer support his dreams like I support my own, then it may be time to walk away from the relationship. If I don't feel supported or I can no longer sufficiently support my partner due to a lack of understanding (and a lack of common ground), then it may be time to reconsider the relationship. And if this seems difficult, remember that if one person is not happy in the relationship, chances are that the other person is not happy either.

At this point in time I am not interested in starting a relationship before getting to know someone well enough to be able to know that I at least share some basic life goals or visions for the future with that person, and that we share some important qualities. And in the process of getting to know someone, I don’t just want the other person to tell me about themselves; I want to see their words reflected in their actions too. It is much easier to deduct people’s values and priorities from their actions than from their words. I wish I would have realized that sooner in life and that I had focused more on people’s actions than their words. People can have very strange views about themselves that have no basis in reality.

Friendship is the best starting point
Friendship is the best way to start a relationship. A relationship can be a great thing, if it makes me into a better person and takes my life to a higher level. If we can enjoy our mutual aliveness together and not constrict each other in any way. If we can love each other with a trust and freedom that knows no bounds. If we can even keep loving each other if it turns out that we both end up wanting different things in life and are moving in different directions. True love is free. True love is wanting the best for yourself and also (in equal measure) wanting the best for the other person. It is wanting what the other person wants for them, because you also want what you want for yourself. This is not selfish. It is selfish to choose differently. It is selfish to hold onto a relationship even though you don't really love and support each other fully anymore. Because when you are suffering, everyone around you suffers too. They will sense it. They will be affected. So follow your dreams, follow your passions. Communicate as clearly, authentically, openly and honestly as possible. And remember that love is free. And if you feel trapped in your current relationship, then the most loving thing you can do for yourself and the other person is to set yourself free.

Questions to assess your relationship
Here are some questions to assess your current relationship or a friendship that may have potential for more. See if you can give an honest and heartfelt 'yes' to the following questions:
- Do you have similar life goals? Or can your life goals be combined in some way?
- Do you at least support (and agree with) each other’s life goals, values and priorities?
- Do the person’s actions match their words? Do your own actions match your words?
- Do the person’s definitions of things that are important to you match with yours?
- Does the person bring out the best in you? How do you feel around them? What effect does their presence, their behavior, their mindset and their energy have on you?
- Can you communicate about everything openly and with ease?
- How ‘free’ is your love: Do you want what the other person wants for them, even if it is not necessarily producing the outcome you want? Do you support each other fully (within the relationship and in a wider context) in achieving personal life goals? Do you fully encourage them to pursue their dreams and make them into a reality?
- Are you proud of the other person? Are you grateful that you are together?
- Is your life enriched by the relationship? Does your life feel expanded?

If you answer yes to any of the following, your relationship may require some work or you may even decide that it is time to go your separate ways:
- Are you sacrificing your own integrity for the sake of being with the other person?
- Do you feel trapped in the relationship?
- Are you secretly sabotaging their dreams or holding them back in some way?
- Are you worried about what others may think about your partner or their actions, dreams, desires and life goals?
- Are there touchy subjects that seem to be a no-go in communication? Touchy areas may point to dissimilarities or to areas that need some work of acceptance and/or change, usually in the person who is resisting the communication.
- Do you resist communication on a number of important subjects? Why is that? (Are you willing to work on that or open up?)
- Do you expect (or even force) the other person to make certain life choices in order to be with you? If so, does the person support those choices? If not; reconsider if the other person really needs to make these changes to make the relationship work. If it is absolutely necessary but the other person doesn’t want to do it, then you may not be the best match for each other.
- Are you so attached to the idea of being with the other person that you ignore your innermost desires and follow them blindly?
- Or are you so attached to the idea of being with the other person that you want to change them to fit your description of 'the perfect partner', no matter what they want for themselves?
- Does your world feel constricted (instead of expanded) as a result of being in the relationship?

True Love is free
My most important ‘rule’ in any relationship is this: If doing or not doing something is important to me, then I must follow that. But if someone else feels they are pulled in a different direction, I will not stand in their way either. Everyone is free to choose. Personal freedom is very important to me, including being clear, open and honest about what I want and need in life. This encourages others to do the same, and it will give everyone involved a fair chance of getting their needs met. Being upfront about it will help attract the right kind of person into my life.
Relationships are most loving when experienced in the present moment, without expectations or pressures to stay together forever (although this may happen). If you get to a point where you are willing to lovingly let your partner go at any time if your own or their values change and you turn out to make each other miserable, then you are ready to truly let love flourish. In a state of non-attachment, we can embrace change and prioritize joy over convenience, and we will never be trapped. Life lived in this way may be difficult at times, but it will always allow you to expand and grow.

The Magic Of Climbing

I climbed to the top of a mountain today.

The start of the path

I love climbing... there is something magical about going to the top. It can even be likened to life itself...

The goal was to get to the top, so I had to have a clear sense of where I was going. But if I would only focus on the end goal and stop paying attention along the way, then I might slip and fall. I might also miss interesting and beautiful moments, or moments of insight and wisdom. On the other hand, if I get sidetracked too much, I may never get to experience the extraordinary view that awaits.

Therefore climbing requires you to stay connected with yourself and everything around you. You are encouraged to be fully present and to take your time to get to the top, enjoying your surroundings on the way without losing your focus of what you set out to experience. You make sure that your general direction is up, and keep on going for however long it might take, with persistence and determination plus a healthy amount of flexibility to choose the most suitable path to the top. Being in a hurry will most likely only slow you down.

During the climb, I enjoyed the accomplishment of each step, and how it brought me closer to the top. I found myself searching for stable ground with each step to place my feet on the rocks so that they wouldn't slip, while staying conscious of how I moved my weight onto my hands or feet to keep my balance and continue the journey upward. I worked my way up, but it didn't feel like work or effort, because I was totally engaged in the process of the climb. I felt energized and revitalized with each step.

Occasionally looking back at the scenery behind me, I saw how my perspective of the view changed as I climbed higher and higher, which clearly demonstrated the relativity of everything. A great reminder of how a different viewing point brings a different point of view. No one can see exactly what you are seeing at any particular moment, because we are all looking at the world from different places. And that is okay, because each view is an experience in itself. Also a great reminder to allow myself to see things from different perspectives and practice broadening my understanding. It helps me stay open and live from a place of compassion.

Top of the mountain

I reached the top, and enjoyed the view. I witnessed the vastness of nature, and how I am somehow part of that. I saw how all the things that had previously occupied my mind seemed so insignificant when I looked down to the world from this height. I felt how exquisite and intense nature is and all that it provides. It can make you feel so full that it is hard to contain it all. So you let it flow through you. This is life. And you are a part of life... You are life.


In the following moments I spotted a place from where I was standing, that I longed to visit next. I had a new destination. A new goal: to get there. To see this beautiful place with my own eyes.

A new destination?

Getting there I felt the magic of the place. It was even more serene than I had imagined. I wished that I could stay there forever. It was so peaceful - how could anything be more captivating? But then I remembered that change is part of life, and that movement is a natural thing. Trusting this movement I never get stuck. And when I flow with life, life takes me to the most beautiful places. Or perhaps flowing with life helps me to perceive all places as beautiful.

One thing is for sure: Life is about experiences, and each moment has something unique to offer.

Coming back from my hike I am still fulfilled. What a great reminder this was. A great reminder of life and what it is all about. Flow with life and trust the path ahead. There is magnificent beauty in every moment. Don't look for it - experience it.
Feel it.
Be it.

Why The World Needs Your Compassion

© Kathelijne Roosen

Every day, tragic events happen. An aircraft gets shot down, innocent people get murdered, a majestic lion gets killed… It reminds us we live in sad times, in a sick world where madness sometimes takes over and very gloomy things happen. It might even make you feel hopeless about the future of the world. What will become of us as a species? Will we ever learn to get along and leave each other be?

But what happens when we express this sadness? There are people who find this very frightening. They will say things like: What about all the people who died in <this/that> war? What about the people who die of starvation every day? What about all the animals that are killed in the bio-industry?
And yes, of course these are also very upsetting things. And sometimes the sadness of the world is simply overwhelming. But we can’t deal with sadness by comparing it with another event. That is just shifting our attention. We have to deal with our pain. Why is that so hard?

Some may even condemn others when they express their sadness about an issue. “What a weakling”, is something that might be said. What do you think such a comment does to the world? How does it contribute to a solution, or to a better world?

And then there are people who start to focus all of their anger on the person who caused the suffering, the ‘wrongdoer’. They may even get violent. They want to hunt him down, kill him, make him suffer for what he did. But can we really fight violence with violence? And if we choose to go down  that path, then what does that create more of in the world? Yes, more violence…

Well, how do we respond then, you may ask? The answer is compassion. First of all, compassion for ourselves. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Allow yourself to think what you are thinking. And keep the focus on yourself. Allow yourself the time to heal. It is not easy to welcome all this pain and letting it stay for a while, especially if it is very overwhelming at times, when a lot of things seem to happen that are difficult to understand. But if you allow it to be there, without judging it, without wanting things to be different, then it allows you an opportunity to transform yourself. And this also transforms the world. In fact, it is one of the most powerful things you can do for the world and other beings: go within and transform yourself, by making peace with the part of you that is suffering.

This post is for Cecil the lion. It is for the people who died in the 9/11 attacks. It is for all the people who were murdered recently in various events and circumstances. It is for the countless animals with no name, who are bred for food, mistreated and slaughtered on a daily basis, while their meat may even just end up in a dumpster. It is for the victims of the MH17 shooting. It is for the majestic trees that are cut down every day. It is for every living being; human, non-human, tree or plant, that lost their life through somebody’s greed, love of power, money, status or any other "reason".

But this post is also for the suffering individuals that do the damage. It is for the dentist who shot an innocent lion (and other beautiful beings). It is for the people who shot the plane. It is for the people who planned the 9/11 attacks. It is for the person who committed mass shootings. It is for people who abuse their pets. Can you imagine what pain they will suffer when they finally wake up to what they did? Can you imagine how hard it will be for them to live with themselves? Or perhaps they suffered a lot of pain in their lives themselves. So much so, that they have become numb to their own feelings, and the feelings of others.

Let’s not let that happen to us. Let us connect with our sadness if and when it comes up. Let us not condemn, fear or deny it. Not in ourselves and not in others. Let us not compare horrible events with other horrible events. None is more tragic than the other. They are all tragic. They are all unnecessary. Let us connect with the pain and allow it to heal, first of all within ourselves. Because what the world needs most, is our collective compassion.