Many of us have had quite a turbulent year, and not just because of the pandemic. Of course it is easy to see the gifts in events and situations we evaluate as positive, but the biggest rewards come when we are able to see the gift in everything… EVERYTHING. This year has given most of us a particularly good opportunity to learn and practice this, and now we can reflect on this year and see if we can recognize the gift in all of it.
Challenges always have a gift
Being confronted with a
challenging situation is always an opportunity. It offers you a choice
in how you are going to deal with it or react to it, an opportunity to learn about yourself (to see who you are
and how far you’ve come), and usually also an opportunity to give. And
giving or responding with love is a gift to yourself as well.
Often
we can see the gift of a tough situation in hindsight, but we can also
train ourselves to see it in the moment. That was the focus of this year
for me. Can I see the gifts life brings as it happens, as the events are
unfolding? And it turns out, I can. Maybe not always instantly, but often not long after. And so can you.
If
you are looking back on a grim year that had nothing to offer, think
again. Make it a challenge to look back on the year and find the hidden
gifts that were there all along. Look for the gift in each moment,
especially the challenging moments. Stay present and in touch with your
emotions – they can guide you like a compass. Look into the present.
Really, look into it. Go deep. Fully open up to it. Where are you holding back? Where are you resisting? Where can you let go? If you fully surrender to the present moment, then you’re bound to
find the gifts. You will find that life can never stop giving; it
always gives to those who are open. Once you see it, it will be
overwhelming. Can you handle it? Can you be open to it? Can you
surrender to it? If you can and you do, then you will find only beauty, bliss and blessings.
This is the secret: you can only receive a gift in the moment if you are open to receiving
all of them (in that same moment). So don’t close yourself off from the
challenges life brings, because then you will also close yourself off from all the
love and joy and fulfillment in those times you perceive as challenging. So if you are feeling depressed... what gifts are you missing?
Emotions each have their gift
We tend to see emotions as either negative or positive (and want only the positive), but they are neither. If we can get in touch with our emotional world, and stay connected with it without judging it or suppressing it, and without being overwhelmed by it nor dismissing it, we can always be peaceful, connected, balanced and even joyful. Emotions can be (and often should be) seen as separate from the triggers that seem to cause them; this is a way to observe them objectively and take in their message. Emotions keep you connected to your Self, and show you how to navigate through life, coming out stronger and more balanced. Emotions show us where personal growth, healing, or a shift in perspective are needed, or where we are resisting something or holding on too tightly. In combination with thought, they are a compass for finding our way. They always point us in the right direction, if we know how to listen.
Here are some emotions that some people would label as ‘negative’ and the gifts they bring:
- Anger: Anger is a sign that someone has crossed your boundaries, or (most likely) that you have crossed your own boundaries in some way (like not listening to the signals of other emotions, or doing things for others just because you feel like you have to in order to get accepted by them). It can also be an attempt to suppress a (seemingly) more painful emotion such as sadness, and an attempt to experience a (false) sense of control over it. Anger can help you set boundaries, be assertive, communicate your needs, or be a sign that you lost touch with some suffering underneath the surface. In that case, try to slow down and find the pain that is hidden underneath.
- Sadness and grief: Urge you to slow down and take notice of the pain, and to direct healing to where it is necessary. It urges us to look after ourselves and engage in self-care. Sadness is an exercise in healthy self-love. It also shows you that you care, and it can easily transform into gratitude if fully felt/experienced.
- Worry/Stress: This is a chance for you to do a reality check: are my worries realistic? What evidence is there that these thoughts are true? What evidence is there that they are not true? What would I tell someone I loved if they were in this situation and had these thoughts? In this situation, what is the worst that could happen? In this situation, what is the best thing that could happen? Are these thoughts hindering me in major ways in my life, preventing me to achieve or pursue things that are important to me and/or could bring me a (deeper) sense of fulfillment? Asking yourself these questions can help you determine whether it is best to avoid the situation, or develop a skill and/or courage to overcome your limiting beliefs. Usually, working to overcome your limiting beliefs is the best choice of action here, because you can always avoid the situation later if you still feel the same about it afterwards! But then at least you are not avoiding it out of fear or worry, and you can make a more balanced decision. Fear, worry and stress often cloud our judgment and when left unchecked might make us (not) do things that we'll regret later (sometimes many years later). Recurring worries might indicate that you need to let go of the need for a secure future. There is no such thing! Worry and stress can also be signs that you would benefit from some serious self-care strategies: get some rest, read a book, take a break. The world often looks much brighter after a good night's sleep!
- Guilt: Guilt is a sign that we have done something that is in conflict with our own values. If you see it as something that can guide you to be a better person or to set things right, then things will turn back into balance very quickly. And it will feel really good! Guilt can help us stay true to ourselves and move through life with integrity. Setting things right, or following our moral compass to begin with, will give us a strong sense of self-respect. And if you feel like you've lost your way... it's never too late to set things right and start over!
- Fear: Fear can be an alert to danger. However, most of our fears are imagined and irrational. Overcoming our fears can give us confidence and courage, and make us more complete and balanced as human beings. When fears are not adequately, objectively and thoroughly explored, it can lead to many reinforcing thoughts where we end up scaring ourselves and sustaining the problem by avoiding confrontation. So make sure to apply the reality check, find the roots of your fears, and pull them out like weeds (see also the worry/stress part). Emotions that result from thought are never pure, and as you get more in touch with your emotional world, you will learn to see the difference more and more clearly and quickly.
The gifts of (lost) romantic love
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allI lost two romantic relationships this year, one at the beginning of the year and one at the very end. The first one ended because it had reached its natural expiration date - and so it was a relief when it ended. The latter was much harder to deal with, even though it lasted for a shorter time, because I didn't (and still don't) understand why it had to end. It feels like I have waited my whole life for the kind of connection we had (and to some degree still have), only to find that it is out of my reach...
When romantic love is lost untimely, it hurts. But something beautiful can happen when we stay in touch with our pain in that moment. Be thankful for the pain as well as the beautiful moments you shared together and the joy it brought to your life (which is probably still there to some extend). You can’t exclude one without excluding the other; the only way is to fully, wholeheartedly be open to both. Stay in touch with yourself; hold yourself. Take this opportunity to see that you can handle the pain; that there is no need to be afraid of it. That you can stay open and connected to yourself (and by extension, to others also), now and in the future. And notice that, when you experience it in this way (i.e. feeling the empowerment in your own vulnerability, without resistance to the pain and without wallowing in it - staying in touch with both the joy and the pain in a balanced way), they merge. This is what some call (universal) Love, which is much greater than romantic love. And in that place, when fully embraced, all pain vanishes and/or transforms, leaving you just with a full heart, overflowing with Love and gratitude.
Also, lost love is an illusion. Heartbreak is an illusion. For you can never lose the love you felt (even though it feels that way sometimes, especially when our gift of love is not received or reciprocated by the other person), because the love you felt for him or her was never theirs; it was yours. It originated from you and will stay with you, and you can always choose to continue feeling/giving it (silently or expressed); there is no reason to stop the flow of love unless we want to punish ourselves. And staying in touch with your love, the love you feel, also doesn't prevent you from saying goodbye if that is what you need to do. Love can be felt in any situation, whether from a distance or up close. The love you feel is your gift to the world. There is no way you can lose it, but the only way to feel it and be aware of it is to give it away / let it flow through you freely (as universal love, in its many forms).
Don't limit yourself to feeling and expressing love only in a romantic relationship. Try to experience love and caring and appreciation (for yourself and others and nature) in everything you do. Love is still with(in) you; so share it, feel it and enjoy it. Whether others receive your gift of Love is their business, but really it doesn't matter, because just the act of giving is always a gift to yourself first. If you can find someone who appreciates your gift and is as open to (giving and receiving) it as you are, even better: after all, most things are better when they are shared. And don't be surprised if your gift of love (whether silently experienced or expressed) inspires others to open up in response. So don’t allow the world to extinguish your flame; instead, shine your light on the world and allow it to transform all (within and without) as a result.
Trust that life will have gifts to offer no matter what happens in the future, and let go of the need for security (definite answers) or wanting to control outcomes. Also, accept the past, as we can't change it. In other words, surrender to the present moment. That is the key to receiving its many gifts.
In one of my next posts I will outline some specific tools that I use for working through emotions and staying in touch with my true (loving) nature.
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